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WE REMEMBER PHOTO
Origins: This is a real picture, taken in Iraq on 9 September 2003 by the Baker Company, with the 7th Marines, 1st Battalion, to honor the victims of the September 11 terrorist attacks on the U.S. According to the Rock Hill, South Carolina, Herald:
Helmets atop rifles honored the day so many died. Four U.S. Marines in Iraq held Old Glory a few feet off the desert sand. Dozens of others stood around them, spelling out a special message. The unit assembled Tuesday in a formation of husbands and sons and helmets and weapons that spelled out, "9-11: We Remember."
Andrew Schoenmaker, 25, is a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy and an executive officer of Baker Company, with the 7th Marines, 1st Battalion.
Lt. Schoenmaker and his commanding officer bandied about the idea for a picture to send home to the United States signifying that the unit is still in Iraq, but the pose ended up honoring the Sept. 11, 2001, victims.
"It is in remembrance of those that gave the ultimate sacrifice on September 11, and the reason that no matter how long we are here, we will continue to push and never forget why we serve," Andrew wrote in an e-mail to his father.
Source: http://www.snopes.com/photos/military/remember.asp
Semper Fi, Marines
IF I KNEW
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day..
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
From The Weather Channel's website: "Thu., Aug. 12: A tornado, spawned by Tropical Storm Bonnie, topples a tree onto a car in Jacksonville, Fla. Two people were in the vehicle when the tree fell but escaped serious injury." Yes, that's a Mercedes E-Class (Series 124), probably older than 1993.
Gee, Curt, why does Mercedes-Benz USA call its training "ON TRACK"?
On Track 2004
On Track is the name of a training program started by Mercedes-Benz USA back in 1987. Sales reps and other dealer personnel go to race tracks and allowed to drive various Mercedes and their competition. Driving Schools provide instructors for the driving, and MBUSA provides instructors for the classroom portions. When it started it was 1-1/2 day, half day of class followed by a day at the track. That's been cut back to 1 day, and people in our area are cursed to have to go to Texas Motor Speedway. Aside from Texas summer heat, the track is awful, a tri-oval that just reminds me how over the hill as a driver I am. The good news is I could drive there and back and not be strip searched in order to sit on the tarmac for 6 hours before the flight is cancelled.
In a head to head comparison we drove the C-Class and its competitors through a grueling acceleration, braking, stability, and handling course. Here an Acura is about to follow a BMW through the course.
C-Class and Competitors
We drove the C-Class sedans and their competitors through several exercises designed to demonstrate their handling, acceleration, stability, electronic stability program or equivalent, comfort and ergonomics. This was blissfully lacking in-car instructors. This resulted in the Caddy tiptoeing through the tulips off course occasionally, but everyone survived. Since Pirelli donated the tires, no one worried about them either.
We drove the C320 Sport Sedan and C230 Sport Sedan, C240 and C320 Luxury Sedans, 2004 Acura TL, Audi A4, BMW 325i, Infiniti G35, Cadillac CTS, Jaguar X-Type 3.0, Lexus ES 330, SAAB 9-3, and Acura TSX.
The Cadillac was the worst handler I drove. Everything about the car was an on-off switch. It was hard to drive smoothly as a result. It's hard to roll into brakes when they go to full ABS at the slightest touch. Scary car.
The Audi A4 was the most underpowered. To make up for it, it was also the most boring.
The Jaguar was surprisingly comfortable, and it handled acceptably, but we did all of the exercises at about 85% of the speed we drove the Mercedes. If you never push it to its limits and don't need a big back seat or trunk, and your wife is demanding a Jaguar, this is it. It's more reliable than real Jaguars because it's a European Ford with Jag emblems. It's engine is a Ford Duratec, not necessarily bad since it probably will last longer than a Jag engine and not catch fire too often.
When I say we, I was teamed with a young parts guy from Minnesota who was at that time leading the autocross. He had no fear, so we could flog the cars and not worry about getting the contents of the other's breakfast on the interior and our clothes.
The Lexus was a fairly hopeless handler, too. It's front wheel drive. That's usually all I need to say, but I'll add it was not a balanced front wheel drive. It was limited to 80% or so of the speed the Mercedes could do the same exercises.
Now I know what you're saying. "But I never drive a car hard." If you're really lucky, that's fine. But, some fine day you'll be in the left lane in your ES330 or Jag X type, with a C230 Sport in the right lane. You'll crest the hill to find a 50 ton Peterbilt going the wrong way straddling the dashed line between lanes. You'll try to evade, and the car won't make the maneuver. As you strike the big Peterbilt bumper at a closing speed of 140 mph, out of the corner of your eye, your last vision will be the C230 in the right lane nimbly avoiding the monster truck. This sort of thing is why emergency handling is a high priority at Mercedes-Benz.
ESP Test
At the apex to one corner was a large, well and continually manicured patch of sand to test ESP (Electronic Stability Program, our skid control and traction control program). I would enter it as if there were no sand. Some cars moved sideways, like the 4-wheel drive Jaguar. Some pointed their noses out, like the Audi and Acura TL. Some just became a handful, like the Cadillac CTS. The BMW went into full oversteer, and its ESP did not correct adequately. I had to. The 2 Mercedes popped their tails out, but when traction was regained, they went back to what they were doing with no drama.
Encouraged by their handling, we approached the other series of turns at considerably higher speeds than we had the other cars. I had tried to do the slalom at a higher speed with the BMW, expecting high things of it. It wasn't pretty. The Mercedes made it pretty.
Acceleration. We accelerated from the start to a lighted readout for a radar gun. The fastest car was the C320, exceeding 60 mph. The Infiniti was next at 57. The Caddy and the C230 Sports Sedan were 56, and the rest were 55 or less. The Audi was slowest.
Interiors
The nicest interior was the C320 Luxury Sedan. The best driver's environment was a tie between the 2 C-Class Sports Sedans. Their seats are tighter than the luxury seats, but the wood of the luxury sedans was really nice. The Jag had decent wood and comfortable seats but mediocre ergonomics. The Caddy was hopeless as was the Audi. The Lexus was forgettable because I don't remember it except there was no off-switch for their equivalent of ESP, the only car lacking that. The Caddy had it in the glove box. I assume the light switch was in the trunk.
Cup Holders
We weren't testing cup holders.
Brake Assist
Brake Assist is an extremely valuable, under-appreciated safety feature. It's standard on all Mercedes. It's not listed on the Caddy, the BMW, and jag, optional on the Lexus (NO SAFETY FEATURE SHOULD BE OPTIONAL!), standard on the SAAB and the Acuras and Infiniti.
Air Bags
Most manufacturers skimp on air bags. The Cs have 8, 2 front, 2 side curtains (for protection of all outboard passengers), and 2 front side and 2 rear side air bags. The Infiniti G35 has standard front and outboard rear as well.
Lacking the side air bags for the rear were the Cadillac GTS, Jaguar X-Type 3.0, Lexus ES330, SAAB 9-3 Arc, Acura TL (but they had passenger's height and position sensors), Audi A4 (optional rear, see above about safety features), BMW 325I (optional rear).
All listed some kind of side head protection. Ignore tubes. The best side protection is the full curtain that covers the entire window area. In addition to protecting your head, and those of your loved ones, it prevents glass from flying around and helps keep unrestrained passengers from being thrown out.
Cars with side head protection and no rear side air bags will, if you're hit in the side, allow an open casket funeral. Generally it's better to have side torso bags an no head bags than to have head protection and no torso protection according to a trauma surgeon friend. It's best to have side torso bags and head side curtains.
Occupancy Sensor
It's not desirable for the passenger front air bag to deploy if no one is sitting in the passenger's seat. To this end Mercedes-Benz has had an occupancy sensor as standard on all of its cars for some time. It's standard on the BMW, the Acuras, and the Jaguar and not listed on the rest.
Conclusions:
I expected the BMW to do better and the Jag to do worse. I wouldn't object if Hertz gave me a Jaguar for a rental. The Lexus is still a Camry. I've come to the conclusion that this is a car for the easily impressed. The C320 in either Sport Sedan or Luxury Sedan trim is one fantastic car, and the C230 Sport Sedan isn't far behind, making it a really good value for the money. The C240 has all of the C320s safety features and only lacks some of the luxury features and power. If you consider excellent emergency handling a prime safety feature, buy one of them. Were you able to make this comparison drive, you'd have no problem understanding why we have trouble keeping the C230s in stock and C320 Sports are hard to find.
The SLK autocross
SLK350 Autocross
These things always have an autocross with turns just a little tight. They serve only to remind me it's been a few years since I won 23 consecutive autocrosses. But that was before the eyes went. The SLK350 handles beautifully, accelerates quickly, and has remarkably effective brakes. It's supposed to. It's a Mercedes-Benz sports car. I'm of the opinion that time could have been better spent, especially when we ran it in 4 man teams for score in an all day competition. More on that later.
AMG Oval Drive
This is where I really got to feel old. Some kid who wasn't born when I started racing was correcting my driving as we circled the oval. We turned ESP off because it gets confused on the banking. Thus we were told to accelerate gently to about 30 mph and then punch it. It still left a lot of rubber. It was obvious why we have head restraints. Our helmets slammed into them like a losing wrestler's head is slammed on the canvas.
Cars driven:
C55 AMG - really well balanced car, probably the best buy among AMGs. Theoretically it's .4 seconds slower than the E55 AMG and SL55 AMG to 60 mph. If .4 seconds 0-60 is important to you, you might want to either a) Spend extra for the E55 AMG, or b) reassess your priorities in life.
E55 AMG- Probably the best overall AMG model, blindingly fast, monster brakes, supercar handling, and room to terrify 4 of your closest friends and carry their luggage.
SL55 AMG - This is the one women jump off curbs and try to get in. An SL that accelerates like it was shot out of a cannon and stops as if it had an arresting hook. What's not to like?
Classroom Training
Was sadly lacking. We had one classroom session where we were tested in teams of 4, same 4 as above. We had another session where we were given tasks to perform using the Telematics in a E500, such as find the eclectic jazz station on Sirius Satellite Radio, find a California style restaurant in Minneapolis, save a few phone numbers. The last task, saving a phone # in the handset from the console, stumped us, and we called the instructor over. Then he told us we couldn't do it with that model. And this was on the test because?
Contests
The team scores on the autocross, the Telematics, and the classroom test were added, and prizes were given. First prize was a certificate for an $800 course at the Richard Petty Driving Experience. Second prize was 2 $800 courses. Just kidding. I have a $400 certificate for being on the second place team. It's for sale. Did I mention I don't and never did like oval track racing?
I'm sure they got the Petty people to donate as they provided the instructors, but a hint to MBUSA, make the prizes something a salesman can use without having to fly across country. A new Mercedes V710 phone would have gotten my attention, probably most of the salesmen's attention. Or eliminate the contests. They add stress unnecessarily to an already high tension day.
Hotel
The Doral Tesoro hotel and resort was a great hotel. It's in the middle of nowhere, in a dry county, but if you want to get away from it all, go when there's no race, and you'll be away from it all.
C-Class Lugbolt Saga
For those of you not up on the story, recent model C-Class and CLK have come with space-saver (skinny) spares that require shorter lug bolts than the road wheels. Several people have failed to use them, resulting in $1200 in non-warranty damage.
Then we had several cars with no lug bolts. I became obsessive/compulsive about it and began putting them in myself and, of course, making a big deal of it at delivery so the customer won't get one of those $1200 bills. Then they started coming with the lug bolts attached to the wheel with a bubble pack so that only an idiot or a AAA service tech could fail to use them. The wheel is stored upside down, so you have to pull the wheel out to see if they're there. If you have a 2002 or later C-Class, check out your spare. Locate the lug bolts. Failing to use them when you mount that spare will be expensive. And, of course, call 1-800-FOR-MERCedes for roadside assistance. Our techs know about the lug bolts.
Maintenance Cost E320CDI
I just now got around to reading the August newsletter and was surprised to see that the maintenance was no longer going to be included for the 2005 models. I remember that one reason we got rid of our previous diesel when we did was that the cost to maintain it was so much higher than maintaining a gasoline engine at the time. I am sure much has changed since then, but could you give me an estimate of what maintenance is going to be on the diesel as compared to scheduled maintenance on a gasoline engine?
Jackie Wilson
The E320CDI is on the same maintenance schedule as the gasoline E320, 13,000 miles. Expect the cost to be about the same during the warranty period. A services have been averaging $200-250, and B Services $400-500. You need 2 As and 1 B during the warranty. If you plan on $1000 total, you should have change. Brakes, fan belts, wiper blades, and tires are not included in this estimate. These numbers are only applicable here. Other dealers can charge whatever they want to charge.
Pirelli Scorpion Zero Tires
The ML55 AMG has some rather unique demands on its tires. First of all, it has big, wide 18" wheels requiring 285/50 tires. Secondly, it goes 155 MPH, so Mercedes fit them with W rated tires. W rated tires are good for 168 mph sustained, a nice little safety margin considering tires deteriorate in their capabilities with time and considering the heat in the Southwest USA. Thirdly, the truck weighs over 5,000 lb. when fueled and a couple of people are added. The OEM tires, Dunlop SP 9000, lasted 19,000 miles. I might have gotten more, but I neglected to rotate them, and the rears wore out. So I got Pirelli Scorpion Zero tires at the recommendation of my guy at The Tire Rack. These I kept rotated at 10,000 mi. intervals. They lasted 35,000 miles before they were at 1/8" to 3/32" tread. The wear bands are at 1/16", but I prefer a little margin for error considering the amount of rain we have here. After all, the tire patches are the only thing between you and the road. They're important.
So I went to get another set, and Pirelli had discontinued them! Think of this. They had a 168 mph tire for a 5,000 lb., high performance 4WD vehicle, and it lasted 35,000 miles, and they discontinued it! What were they thinking?
Of the available replacements the Michelin was on back order. This left a Yokohama and Continentals. I'm not buying tires called Yomama, so that left the Continentals. They had the best warranty, and, of course, they cost less than Michelins. I've had good luck with Continentals before, and so have a lot of customers, though, of course, not this rather specialized model. They're on now. I'll keep you informed, not that it'll matter as they'll probably discontinue them by the time I replace them.
Tire Maintenance
At On Track was a Pirelli rep. In his dissertation on tires he said that new tires should be rotated at 4,000 miles, and he offered a rotation pattern I hadn't seen before. Left Front becomes Right Rear. Right Front becomes Left Rear. Left Rear becomes Left Front. Right Rear becomes Right front. His reasoning is the front tires get a pattern of wear with a pointed ridge on the back of the tread block, and a rounded edge on the front. Reversing them in the rear will result in smooth wear. Rear tires wear smoothly, so they don't have to be rotated. I've not tried it (or even seen if I can get anyone to do it. That requires a lift.) But tires have lasted longer when rotated. Mercedes now will pay for one rotation at 6500 miles. Most tire companies suggest rotation at 6-7,000 miles.
Check tire pressures at least once a month. Contrary to popular belief, Mercedes tires don't fill themselves with air. Au Contraire, tires lose a pound a month, so inflating them to the high speed pressures and checking them at least once a month is conducive to long tire life.
And once a year or 12,000 miles have the suspension aligned and the tires balanced. A lot of people consider this over-maintenance. At least get the suspension aligned when you put on new tires. It's a rough, pothole filled world out there.
If you're a LOW mileage driver, you probably should have your tires replaced at 3-4 year intervals. Exposure to the elements will dry-rot tires and degrade their safety. Tires are cheap. Funerals are expensive.
Miscellaneous Ravings
AOL
Most of my e-mail problems involve AOL. For a while they were rejecting all of my e-mails, saying I was a notorious spammer. Since I don't do spam, I was semi-livid. Everyone's Internet finally put curtrich.com on a separate server. Then they rejected my e-mails on more creative grounds. When I sent out the e-mail notification to subscribers that the August newsletter was online, all of the AOL subscribers came back undeliverable for one reason or another. Very frustrating.
If you have AOL and you haven't heard from me, that's why. Get an account somewhere else if you want your notifications to get through. Everyone's Internet and I have done about all we can do.
Lexus Airbags
The lady was adamant that the ES330 had rear side air bags. I knew darn well they didn't a couple of months ago, so I went into their website. Nope, "Front seat-mounted side airbag Supplemental Restraint System (SRS) Front and rear side curtain airbag Supplemental Restraint System (SRS)" But in the listing they had underlined airbag Supplemental Restraint System. So someone reading quickly would think they had rear side air bags instead of just side curtains. The salesman had convinced her that the car had rear side air bags. I hope she never needs them. Having side curtains but no side airbags means after a bad crash the funeral home will be able to open the casket. Obviously she met a better salesman than I.
Additionally I noted TRAC, their traction control system, was optional. There are no safety options on a Mercedes-Benz. Every car we sell has our advanced Electronic Stability Program, a traction AND SKID control system. It is not an option.
Things that make you go "Hmmm"
At the beginning of the month I sent out a mass-e-mailing to my mailing list when the boss opened our first SLK 350 for sale and decided to keep the launch edition as a demo instead. One of the recipients bought it an hour later. But here's the rest of the story: He had ordered one some time ago from another dealer "because I live closer to them than you," so he went to them to check on his order. He was informed that, yes, he had an early order, but they weren't going to sell the first 5 to people who had ordered them. They were going to put them on the used car lot and sell them for market value, meaning several thousand over sticker. He took delivery from us, needless to say.
Support your right to arm bears
or puppies
Sept. 9, 2004 | PENSACOLA, Fla. (AP) - A man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger.
Jerry Allen Bradford, 37, was charged with felony animal cruelty, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said Wednesday. He was being treated at a hospital for a gunshot wound to his wrist.
Bradford said he decided to shoot the 3-month-old shepherd-mix dogs in the head because he couldn't find them a home, according to the sheriff's office.
On Monday, Bradford was holding two puppies - one in his arms and another in his left hand - when the dog in his hand wiggled and put its paw on the trigger of the .38-caliber revolver. The gun then discharged, the sheriff's report said.
Deputies found three of the puppies in a shallow grave outside Bradford's home, said sheriff's Sgt. Ted Roy.
The other four appeared to be in good health and were taken by Escambia County Animal Control, which planned to make them available for adoption.
Medals
The subject of Vietnam era medals has been in the news a lot lately. Now everyone who wasn't there apparently believes some units gave Purple Hearts for cutting yourself shaving, and Silver Stars were given out for perfect attendance at Sunday School. It wasn't quite that way in MACV Advisory Team 70. (Advisory Team 70 provided combat support and fire support coordination for the 5th ARVN Infantry Division. It was commanded by a Colonel. Each Regimental team was commanded by a lieutenant colonel. Each battalion team was commanded by a major or captain. Special units like 5th Recon Company had their own teams led by a junior officer. Battalion teams never exceeded 5 men. 5th Recon never had more than 2 men.) Lest anyone think we got medals in Wheaties boxes, let me explain how it worked there:
Purple Hearts
In Team 70 normally, with exceptions, Purple Hearts were recommended if an American medic or medical officer treated a wound. Catch 22 was advisory teams did not have American medics. We had Vietnamese medics. Thus injuries treated in the field by Vietnamese medics didn't usually count unless the individual made a fuss. This meant usually the wound had to get you a trip to the rear to count. Obviously a lot could happen without a medevac resulting.
Air Medals
We were instructed to keep a daily log of our flight hours. 100 hours and 100 missions got you an Air Medal for Meritorious Service (no V for valor). Combat assaults counted 4 for 1, and command and control (C & C) counted 2 for 1. Most of the air time of an infantry or recon advisor was one of those, so hours mounted pretty quickly. I stopped sending in the report because I thought it was silly. No one noticed the absence of further reports.
Valor Awards
To get a valor award 4 things had to happen. You had to do something. Someone had to see you and live to tell about it. And he had to think enough of you to write it up and back it. Your own words didn't count. And it had to make it up the chain of command without being disapproved or downgraded. The higher valor awards were investigated like a murder. A senior officer would interview witnesses, sometimes with a prosecutor's attitude. This caused a Distinguished Service Cross recommendation to be disapproved for a major with 5 years in combat, 5 Purple Hearts, and at least one DSC already. This pretty much ended his career.
Most of our witnesses were Vietnamese. They normally didn't write up American awards.
Local Rules
While we were in Cambodia during the summer of 1970, our legendary commander, Colonel John Hayes ended his 9 years in combat zones, 3 in Korea and 6 in Vietnam. He was returned to the US kicking and screaming for eventual promotion. He was replaced with a dud. One of Murphy's Laws of combat is a brilliant commander will always be replaced by an idiot, undoing all he has done. Colonel Dud decreed that no valor awards would be given to living American recipients. Vietnamese could still get them. This had the expected effect on morale. Shortly after I left he was relieved for incompetence, but the damage was done. The period during the Cambodian incursion went unrewarded other than Purple Hearts and Vietnamese awards.
Lobbying for awards
Junior officers could not lobby for awards. Senior officers did in some instances. An officer conniving for awards in order to enhance his career when people were dying was not highly regarded.
Three Purple Heart Rule
If such a rule existed in MACV, I never saw it in writing, heard about it, or saw it used, though I did know people with multiple Purple Hearts. Normally anyone with a couple of Purple Hearts could get a safer job for the rest of his tour if he asked for it, not that any job was safe there. Another of General Murphy's Laws of combat is "Anything you do in combat can get you killed, including doing nothing."
Medals vs. Ribbons
Medals were given out by the Army. Ribbons could be bought at the PX. At that time it was difficult to get lost medals replaced. Each medal had a corresponding ribbon for wear on the Class A uniform. Full-sized medals were almost never worn. Miniature medals were worn on mess dress uniforms (evening wear). We knew the difference between ribbons and medals. No one in the Army ever confused the two. To say that we did is laughable. Throwing away one's medals was a serious commitment as replacements couldn't be purchased. (They can now.) Throwing away ribbons meant you'd spend $12 next time you were in the PX for another set.
Citations
Citations were written by guys at the rear. They weren't at the fight. A recommendation from a witness might go to the rear for an award. But a desk jockey wrote up the award. People who got these through committee every day learned to write in the magic phrases, and a lot of the citations sounded alike. Some of the magic phrases might not apply, but the author knew they would cause the committee to approve the award. I have heard of cases where a senior officer went back to his office and told his senior enlisted man to write up so-and-so for a particular medal. The person might get the right medal, but the citation would not be accurate. My Purple Heart has the wrong country listed on it. No vet would ever use a medal citation as proof something did or did not happen.
Significance
A lot of good men spent a lot of time in combat and never received anything for it. Thus when you got an award, it wasn't just for you. It was for all of the men who never got their due. For every Purple Heart given for a scratch, one was given for a life-altering, maiming wound, and another was given for dying for our country. Thus to throw away medals or ribbons was to spit on every wounded veteran, and every veteran in national cemeteries.
The Lieutenant's Medals
That little blurb reminded me that not all medals were given out equally.
A long time ago
I walked into the Officers' Club at Lai Khe, headquarters of Advisory Team 70. I was in for a briefing and got to stay the night.
I got my gin and tonic and sat down at the only table occupied by a junior officer, a lieutenant I knew was "Headquarters Exec." Headquarters Company, Advisory Team 70 didn't have an exec position. In fact, there were no positions for lieutenants in "the rear." Lai Khe was to the rear for us. Lieutenants were expected to be on unit advisory teams. If the average lieutenant in the Army is more useless than a dress sword, this lieutenant was more useless than most. He might well have been more useless than I was as a lieutenant. I knew he had been sent to an infantry battalion team, but within a month he was back at the rear on doctor's orders. He had a skin rash and was given restricted duty for the duration of his tour.
So they made him the "exec." He ran errands and was dirty little jobs officer. He was pudgy, more proof he was in the rear. I weighed 135, but then I ate a lot of Vietnamese field rations (cat food, rice, apricots, supplemented by Claymore victim du jour) and carried a 60 lb. load most days.
He was wearing a Combat Infantryman's Badge on his uniform. He had been in the field for less than a month. The rules for the CIB in MACV during the Vietnam War were that you 1, had to be in an infantry assignment for 30 days unless medevaced, and 2, had to be under fire.
It was a common badge, but was and is respected in the Army. It indicates you have seen the elephant.
There was no Combat Artillery or Combat Armor badge, though in Saigon I suppose there should have been a Combat REMF badge.
I still didn't have one despite several months in infantry assignments. My new C. O. had noted that I had met all of the requirements, but since I hadn't met them while he was my C. O., he disapproved the recommendation for same my previous C. O. had gotten around to writing on his way out. I knew in the long run this wouldn't matter. He had assured me that I would be assigned to the hottest areas of his responsibility. The Combat REMF job looked pretty good, at that point.
But Lieutenant Pudgy hadn't been in an infantry assignment for 30 days. His former C. O. was one of my peers, and he had complained about the Lieutenant leaving so soon. Apparently a bad lieutenant is better than no lieutenant, though there were times I disagreed.
So I asked. I got my response. "But I was medevaced."
Technically he was right. The regs didn't say "Medevaced due to wounds or injuries acquired in the line of duty," just "Medevaced." Indeed, the only way to leave his unit was by helicopter, so technically, it was a medevac when he was taken to Lai Khe on the daily log bird, where the anti-war, drafted doctor put him on restricted duty. He would later try to send me to Japan in lieu of handing me a tube of Preparation H. I kid you not.
"And that's not all. I have a Bronze Star with V and a Purple Heart."
I assumed by that as "exec," he was also awards and decorations officer and had managed to write up his own CIB. That was true, hence the CIB his C. O. didn't know about or recommend. But there was more. One of his dirty little jobs was rabies control officer. That meant he had to get rid of stray dogs. So he took his M-16, heretofore unfired in anger, and shot a suspicious stray dog. That caused a general alert at a base where any shooting was probably an attack. So he was forbidden to shoot them. He had tried to kill the next dog with a bayonet, and the dog, rightfully, bit him and ran away. The drafted, anti-war doctor gave him 14 days in a hospital in R and R spot Vung Tau for rabies shots. He did complain that they hurt. I had caught a troop spreading peanut butter on his toes in an attempt to get one of our 8 lb. rats to bite him so he could get 14 days in a hospital. Eventually he got it and came back refreshed and loquacious in describing his conquests among the local professional ladies near the hospital. He had considered it an R and R.
While at the hospital, the NVA attacked the hospital. Lieutenant Pudgy ran to a bunker. On the way he broke a toe, running in hospital slippers. A Purple Heart resulted. There the medics couldn't make the .50 caliber machine gun fire. As an infantry officer he was capable of cocking a .50 cal. (There's a trick to it.) So he cocked it and emptied a belt into the wire. The next morning two sappers were found in the wire. Lieutenant Pudgy was given a Bronze Star with V, a fairly significant valor award. I'm sure this was a big deal to the hospital, and they genuinely thought Lieutenant Pudgy had saved their base. They kept him there an extra 2 weeks for the broken toe, too.
So that's how Lieutenant Pudgy became a highly decorated Vietnam Combat veteran.
Instructions
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
Curt Rich September 2004
EXTRAS THAT DIDN'T FIT IN THE SNAIL MAIL VERSION
Oliver North's column, August 27, 2004
Don't Arrest Kerry in Shotgun Incident, Gun-Law Expert Says
(courtesy Newsmax.com)
A Gun-law expert Alan Korwin is calling for calm in the national uproar over John Kerry's possible serious gun violations during a recent photo op in Racine, W.V.
The national clamor over the Democratic presidential candidate, who took possession of a Browning semiautomatic shotgun outside his home state, reflects a problem with the laws and should not be used to arrest and prosecute the man, Korwin says.
A gun crossing state lines is heavily regulated thanks to John Kerry and his ilk.
"There are so many charges Kerry might face," according to Korwin, who has written seven books on gun laws, including the unabridged plain-English federal guide "Gun Laws of America."
1. Taking ownership of the shotgun gift, if he doesn't already have a valid Massachusetts Firearm Identification Card, could subject him to a two-and-a-half-year prison term in his home state. Since he has claimed publicly he owns firearms, chances are he has this critical piece of paper, Korwin says.
2. Bringing the firearm back to Massachusetts, if he received it from a private party, would be a federal felony under the 1968 Gun Control Act (five years in prison, $5,000 fine, 18 USC §922).
3. The only exemption that would allow him to bring it into his home state requires that he obtained it in a face-to-face transaction with a federal firearms licensed dealer (FFL). A private gift would not qualify.
4. If Kerry did get it from an FFL, he would have had to personally fill out and sign a 4473 form, required by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE), before the gift was given, under penalty of federal felony.
5. If Kerry did not personally undergo a "NICS" instant background check before the transfer from an FFL, he would have put the person conducting the transfer in some legal jeopardy, though the law contains a loophole that probably would save Kerry from additional harm (the dealer, not the recipient, suffers from failure to do the NICS check).
While gun lobbyists are inflamed that Kerry introduced a law that would outlaw this particular type of sporting shotgun and gun gifts in general, it is a good thing the law has not passed yet, because then it might be too serious a problem to simply ignore.
Korwin says that calls to indict Kerry are premature and "most certainly overkill. John Kerry should receive the same lenient treatment any other citizen deserves when innocently violating these complex and non-intuitive rules." At least give him a chance to explain, Korwin pleads.
Unfortunately, federal authorities from BATFE have been known in the past to be inflexible in their enforcement of even minor technical violations (note that none of these felony violations involve a victim or any sort of harm). With widely circulated evidence, in the form of photographs of Kerry in obvious possession of the firearm, he could find himself subject to the long arm of the law.
More importantly, Korwin says, "Some of these laws are just foolish, putting honest citizens at enormous and unjustified risk, and are so complicated that even a presidential candidate and his staff cannot figure them out."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can,t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you,re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can,t kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don,t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman,s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn,t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Bumper Stickers for women
God made us sisters.
Prozac made us friends.
Men, Coffee, Chocolate.
Some things are just better rich.
So many men,
So few who can afford me.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven
I ain't going
My mother is a travel agent
For guilt trips
Princess, having had sufficient
Experience with princes,
Seeks frog
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
I'm out of estrogen, and I have a gun.
Attack of the American Women
One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert and he stubbed his toe on some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped out. "Oh great," Saddam said, "I don't have time for this Genie nonsense."
"Oh wait," said the Genie, "You have to let me grant you three wishes or I'll be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand years." "Ok" said Saddam, so he wished that the Genie would give him three American women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who this man was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya Harding, Lorena Bobbit, and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His knee was bashed in, his penis was gone, and he had no health insurance.
Saint John Kerry
John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.
Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, a self absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known.
But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."
Blonde Jokes
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Blonde Counting Sheep
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."
The farmer exclaims, "Wow - you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
Distraught Blonde
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Quotations
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown
Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unkn
Rules to Enter Texas:
Applies to each person as they enter Texas.
Learn & remember:
NOTICE: East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to ALL women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, an d breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas or Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get your butt whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what governor Sam Houston once said:
"Texas can make it without the United States,
but the United States can't make it without Texas."
GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!