©2000 May not be reproduced in any form without written permission of the author. This includes publishing at other websites.
THE MERCEDES-BENZ MAINTENANCE PROGRAM
Free maintenance is provided for model year 2000 & 2001 during their warranty periods (48 months or 50,000 miles which ever comes first). All "A" and "B" services and all of the "additional work to be performed" as noted in the vehicles' maintenance booklets are performed at no cost to the client.
For maintenance work required by the Flexible Service System. The FSS light must be illuminated for the work to be performed at no cost to the client (i. e., oil changes only at intervals required by FSS - not deemed necessary by the client).
Exclusions from Maintenance Commitment Coverage:
Oil changes or other services performed outside the maintenance interval calculated by the FSS.
Wear and tear of soft trim items such as seats, carpets, moldings, headliner, door panels, chrome and wood trim. Wear items such as engine belts, wiper blades, brake discs, brake pads and brake pad wear sensors. Tires, wheel alignment and balance. Note: Wheel alignment, balancing and wiper blades are covered under the Limited New Vehicle Warranty during the first 12 months or 12,000 miles, whichever comes first.
Damage due to poor fuel quality, abuse, misuse, neglect, alteration, fire, accident, flood, improper repair or negligence and installation of non-Mercedes Benz accessories. Maintenance or repairs performed after the vehicle is deemed a total loss and vehicles used in competitive events.
Tires
Tires are covered against defects in material or workmanship for the Mercedes Benz New Car Limited Warranty period of 4 years and/or 50,000 miles from date of delivery. If a tire is found to be defected, it will be replaced free of charge provided 1.6 mm of tread depth remains over the entire tread surface. Any tire replaced under warranty will be covered for the remaining Portion of the new car limited warranty period.
If the original tire is no longer available for replacement purposes, a replacement tire from the same manufacturer with the same size, speed and load rating but with a different sidewall and/or tread pattern may be substituted.
What is not covered by the Tire Warranty?
Road Hazards, improper operation, improper maintenance (under/over inflation, failure to follow the Tire Manufactures rotation recommendations).
It is the client's obligation to follow the tire rotation interval recommendations as described in the tire warranty booklet provided by the Tire Manufacture in each new vehicle. In most cases this is between 6,000 and 8,000 miles. Note that only under a "B" Service are tires rotated as part of the Maintenance Program. All other recommended rotations are the responsibility of the client.
TIRE COMMENTS
Having put "THE OFFICIAL STORY" above this I can make some comments about tires for these high performance vehicles.
1. Never replace tires with lower rated tires. If the tires on the car are supposed to be H-Rated, meaning 130 mph rating, then don't get S rated, meaning 112 mph rating. You might not go over 80, but if you crash into the mayor's daughter at 30, and the opposing attorney finds substandard tires on the car, he's going to win in court in front of a jury of 12 people who don't know S from Shinola and couldn't get out of jury duty.
2. Virtually every tire on the road is underinflated. Don't use the inflation numbers on the TIRES. Use the inflation numbers on the CAR. Mercedes have the pressures inside the gas filler cap door. You will, on most Mercedes, see regular numbers plus numbers for driving over 100 mph. (SLKs only have one set of numbers, presumably because they can't conceive of someone having an SLK and not going over 100 mph.)
Use the OVER 100 mph numbers.
Why?
a. You will get more even tire wear normally.
b. You might be chased by the hounds of hell someday and need to go over 100 mph.
c. The car will handle a bit better.
d. Your tires lose a pound a month. Most people do NOT check their tires every two weeks as they should. If your tires are underinflated because of neglect, they might be above the Under 100 mph numbers. If you start with those numbers, your tires will be underinflated most of the time. Underinflated tires run hot and fail.
3. You should visually inspect your tires every two weeks when you check the tire pressure. Look for uneven wear, nails, tread separation, bubbles on the sidewall, etc. I am aware that a lot of you will totally ignore #2 and 3.
4. Each tire is a compromise. Customer to Tire Salesman: "I want a tire which will handle like a slot car, last 50,000 miles, and endure 150 mph driving."
Tire salesman: "Pick any two."
The average H rated tire will last over 30,000 miles. The average V or Z rated tire will last over 15,000 miles and cost twice as much. As the old speed shop sign says, "Speed costs money. How fast do you want to go?" The reason a lot of our cars are governed to 130 mph in the United States goes back to the introduction of the 140 series S-Class in the 1992 model year. They had Z rated tires because the S320 could do 140 or so, the S420 150, and the S500 155 (governed). They also weighed, loaded, over 5,000 lb. The result was 15,000 mile tire life and a lot of flat-spotted tires. If you let the car sit for a couple of weeks, they'd get flat spots and funny wear. Some needed replacing at 10,000 miles or less. Europeans understood this. Americans didn't. They sued. $100,000,000+ later we limited further sedans to 130 and put on H-rated (130 mph) tires.
The E320 has 130 mph 16" tires. They last 30-40,000 miles normally and cost $125-150 to replace. The E430 has 160 mph 17" tires now. They will last less than 20,000 miles normally and cost $250-300 to replace. Speed costs money. How fast do you want to go?
I PRESUME the E430 is governed to 155 mph because of this change. No one at MBNA has been able to tell me, and no customer has gone over 130 since it happened and told me about it. It's either 130 or 155. I'm not advocating speeding, but if you have had a 2000 or 2001 E430 over 135 or so, let me know. That'll tell me it's really 155.
5. When you buy tires, put the spare on the ground, assuming it's a real spare, and buy 3. Tires go bad in the trunk as bad as they do on the ground. The German gumment tested a lot of 5 year old spare tires, and they all failed at speeds below their rating. If your spare tire is over 3 years old, treat it as you would a mini-spare and put it back in the trunk as soon as you get your tire fixed/replaced. While it's on the ground, obey speed limits and drive gently.
6. You don't always get what you pay for. Some tires are good and expensive. Some are just expensive. Bargain tires have no place on high performance tires. This is not to say buying the lowest priced brand of tires which meet the specs isn't worth considering, but buying the tires with the best specs is, too. The tire patch is the only thing between you and the road. It is VERY important. When I was autocrossing I remember discarding a sponsors free tires and BUYING a competitive brand because it was 2 seconds a lap faster. That was competition. On the street spending $50 per tire more for a brand which stops shorter, turns better, aquaplanes less, or handles August heat better is money well spent.
Scrimp on something else.
LETTERS
Yes Curt, I read the brochures (I'm collecting all the brochures Mercedes has ever put out on the M-Class in the states and have one from Costa Rica as well), the book by John Lamm and the Road and Track condensed version of the same book, the 1999 CD I bought by phone from the visitor center in Vance, and the 2000 CD I received with the truck. That doesn't count for the hours of research I did online. The clincher was anecdotal accounts from owners that just loved the truck, especially 4WD experts like Harold and engineering gurus like Wolfgang Henke. It's amazing how many owners have set up personal websites devoted to their M-Class. I did my homework, knew about all the problems, came in to the sales experience knowing more than the salesman or even the guys in the service dept. And the choice was clear. The Mercedes Benz M-Class IS the best SUV since the invention of 4 wheel drive.
At least for me.
Now, you've got me thinkin' I'm a little weird for all that. I know I'm anal retentive, but doesn't everyone do this research on a $40,000 item???? Like I said, I was brought into MB by the ML so maybe I'm different. Maybe 40 grand isn't much to the average MB buyer. Sure is to me. Gotta go back to work. Take care Curt.
Tim
PS-I even watched the video that came with the truck...............Jeeeesh!!!!!!!!!!!
You should buy the next one on the Factory Delivery
Program. A. It means I can sell it to you even though you're out of my area,
and B. You need to do the factory test track ride and see the cars being
built at the factory.
Praise from ex-Mercedes Owner
Congratulations on a great web page, somehow I was lead to your page from a "wax your car link". I realized you were in Houston and kept reading.
I left the MB ownership club in '92 after a couple of 190's. But if I were to come back I would buy it from you. No doubt. Specially after the treatment I got at (dealership deleted by ye ed.). My father owns various MB's and I have my own views on the cars, being BMW/Porsche lover you can imagine they are very critical of the MB product, nonetheless I think MB has the most complete line of cars on the market segment.
I bet your boss is very happy with the results of your page, he should be!!!. Congratulations.
Frissen Gutierrez
Houston/Mexico
Thanks. If you come back into the fold, please come and see me. Our service business has increased 300% in 2 years because of the treatment given clients at the other 2 dealers in town.
Actually, the boss has never been happy with the newsletter. No good deed goes unpunished.
Sleep Deprivation and Class Descriptions
I continue to enjoy your newsletter - it's better commentary than my local papers by a long shot. Have you considered becoming a columnist? (Love to, but someone would have to actually HIRE me. CRR)
First, about the sleep deprivation - I understand all about it. I don't consume caffeine much either - but find that it doesn't work as well for me as it does for some. It's dangerous in large doses. I have discovered that hazelnut syrup added to coffee is far more effective than coffee alone. I don't resort to this combination too often for a variety of reasons - foremost among them is that the syrup is having a drug effect - which means that there are issues of side effects and dependence that I would rather not have to deal with over the long term. But when it's late and I have a long drive - the better part of valor is to take it. Try it - and tell me if it works for you.
Second, I was trying to find your summary of what you told people the different Mercedes models mean - like S for Super, E for executive. Couldn't find it easily. Thought it was both funny and extremely helpful. (I doubt I could find it either:
C-call it the Compact Class.
E-Executive Class.
S-Super Class
SL-Sports Luxury Class
SLK-Sports Luxury Short (K=Kurz, Short in German)
CL-Coup Luxury Class
CLK-You got it, Coupe, Luxury, Short
M-beats the heck out of me.)
I've taken to appending your info about Mercedes to a file I've started. You might think of having a couple of branches from your page to price lists, features of different models, reviews, and such. (I'll work on it.)
Hope this finds you well.
I remain, Sir, your most humble
and obedient servant,
Michael F. O'Connor, M.D.
In the o-l-d days when I was running rallies I tried everything legal (never any amphetamines) to stay awake on long drives. Now with my constant sleep deprivation I wouldn't contemplate a long drive. I did a 24 hour rally once with the aid of a doctor who came up with something which would keep me awake but wouldn't, should there be an accident, show up as an illegal drug. I have no idea what it was. I ran One Lap of America without any drugs, even caffeine, though the other survivor of the team would probably tell you I could have used something to make me less grouchy.
I figure someday the sleep deprivation will cure itself and I'll show up at work, and the mangler will say, "We need to talk about your coming to work on time."
"What do you mean? I was here at 0800?"
"Where were you yesterday?"
Big Gun and Big Breast Control
I thought you would find this amusing. I have no idea if it's for real. Constant Marquer.
TO: Rep. Henry Waxman
FROM: David Wayne Case
SUBJECT: .50 Caliber Rifles
CC: Rep. Mark Sanford, Rep. Robert Barr, Sen. Strom Thurmond, Sen. Ernest Hollings
I have become aware of your furtive attempt to infringe upon my ownership of my Barrett rifle. I am a former Captain USMC, state marksmanship champion, NRA member, member of the Fifty Caliber Shooter's Association and an avid hunter of deer and hogs. To my knowledge, no .50 caliber rifle has ever been used in the commission of a crime. My rifle cost $6,750. The telescope on the rifle cost $4,500. The ammunition I most often shoot costs @ $4.00 per round.
While I tell you this, understand that what I'm trying to tell you is that I would be an idiot to spend $11,000 on a rifle to risk losing it in the legal aftermath of its illegal use.
Get the hell out of my personal life and go play kissy face with Diane Feinstein, Barney Frank, Charles Schumer and those other leftists.
I am now an investment banker and make $400,000 per year. I also have a Harley Davidson motorcycle and several cars with V-8 engines. Are you next going to tell me I don't NEED a V-8 engine ... don't NEED such a heavy, powerful motorcycle ... don't NEED a house with five bedrooms...don't NEED a wife with such large breasts...(I can see the legislation now outlawing large breasts. California and Texas would have to secede. Hollyweird might stop bankrolling left-wing candidates. When they start requiring licenses for breasts or guns, you know they've gone off the deep end, CRR) don't NEED a dog with such sharp teeth and so on? (They've already gone after politically incorrect dogs in many areas, CRR.) This kind of "Chicken Little" reactionary noise is entirely useless.
I am going to notify every legislator in my food chain that they need to take you behind the Capital and beat the crap out of you. (Figuratively speaking, of course, CRR).
CC: Sen. Trent Lott Sen. Orrin Hatch Sen. Susan Collins
I don't know if it was real, but Waxman's stupid bill died shortly after that letter showed up on the internet.
Post Election Advice
Appreciate the mention of my book (American Autobahn, CRR) in your latest Newsletter. Pray that Ralph Nader doesn't drop out of the Presidential race!
If Gore wins, head for the hills election night Curt, you and your Newsletter will become "Enemies Of The State" the following morning. . .
Mark Rask
SLK Praise
As you know, I took delivery of a 1999 SLK 230 just after Christmas 1998. It's almost two years now. Well, this little jewel has been nothing but driving pleasure.
You probably remember I have been lucky enough to own and drive some magnificent automobiles. Some of them the best that England and Italy can produce. (Ferraris, Bentleys, Rolls-Royce, CRR)
My point, being a lover of serious machinery, is that the SLK is a sport car that you can trust. That, just in itself, is more than I can say for my other gargantuan vehicles.
Please remember that I got a five speed manual shift. That is the best feature about my wonderful runabout.
Thank you for selling me the right car for what I wanted to do on wheels: have fun!
Fernando R. Autrique
DREAM GARAGE
As this is written before the most important election since 1860 and will probably be read after the election, I'm trying to keep it light/non-political. Whenever I'm asked what classics I'd like in my dream garage, my usual answer is a selection of new Mercedes. The safety factor of the new Mercedes line is such that I wouldn't want to do a lot of traveling in anything else.
But there are some toys I'd like to have in my dream 10 car garage next to a current SLK and ML430:
3. 1966 Shelby GT350-most of us want the dream cars of our youths. That's why so many muscle cars and old sports cars get restored. I had a '65 Mustang notchback. No way could I afford the Shelby version which came out, 306 hp instead of 225, roll bar, suspension mods, Koni shocks and traction bars, disc front brakes, a crudely mounted tachometer, wood steering wheel, racing seat belts, back seat removed, lightweight fiberglass hood, wider tires on lightweight wheels, and Cobra emblems. The first ones were all white with blue stripes front to rear which has now become a cliché. Carp and Drivel called it "a brand new clapped out race car."
There were a lot of fakes through the years, standard Mustangs made into faux Shelbys. As the real ones are getting expensive, that might be okay, even a 302 V-8 so I could drive it without worrying about blowing the antique 289. Jay Leno put a 5-speed T5 transmission so he could drive it on the street with a .411 rear end. That's okay, too. I'd want a driver, not a perfectly restored specimen I'd be afraid to flog.
4. 1965 Mini Cooper 1275S-must be in full Monte Carlo Rally trim with extra driving lights on the bumper, full FIA spec engine, roll bar, rally seats, racing seat belts and 1960's era Halda Speed Pilot. Must have the Union Jack on the roof. Either bright red or British Racing Green.
5. Lotus Super 7-this kit car of the sixties is still in production as the Caterham 7, but I'd like a Lotus version for vintage events. It weighed 1400 lb. if I remember and used modified Cortina engines. While the Catherham uses a pretty bullet proof engine the old twin cam Lotus Cortina engine was as delicate as a hand grenade with the pin pulled, so the modern engine would be acceptable. The hood should be natural aluminum, and the rest either BRG or bright red, though yellow is probably acceptable. You want to be visible if you drive it on the street.
6. 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing Coupe-you thought there wouldn't be a Mercedes in there? I've seen two perfectly restored models, one at the Mercedes-Benz museum in Untertürkheim and one at the museum at the MBUSI plant in Alabama. I would want a driver, a 95 point car, restored by someone else. I've watched the Barrett-Jackson auction enough to know that you seldom get your money out of a restoration. Buy one already restored.
7. 1937 Cord convertible-In 1937 Cord had a high performance car with turbocharging, front wheel drive, and retractable headlights. It went over 100 mph out of the box, and it was stunningly beautiful. Of course with pre-war safety features I wouldn't drive it anywhere to speak of. The company went out of business. Most of the vehicles of the Auburn-Cord-Duesenburg company were stunning and the stuff dreams are made of.
8. There would have to be one prancing red horse. I feel the prettiest Ferrari built was the mid-sixties 275GTB-4 Berlinetta. Ferraris of the time were finished about as well as Chevies, so a restored model would probably be nicer than the original. Again, it would need to be a driver, so a perfect restoration wouldn't be necessary.
9. A collection of ten should have 1 Corvette. The 1963 Split Window Coupe is considered the most collectible, but in 1964 they put in disc brakes and took out the window split, so the one Corvette should be a big block '64, a Bloomington "Gold" winner, in red. Yes, it would be expensive, but not compared to:
10. The crown of the collection would have to be a pre-war Mercedes, with a 500K being the ultimate prize, one of the most beautiful cars ever built. The remaining examples are priceless. That wouldn't be a driver, so it could be a perfect restoration.
Yes, I know I've left off a lot. The eleventh vehicle would be a motor home so we could travel with the cats and dogs. The Redhead can only do without them for 6 hours or so. If I had enough money for those toys, I would be retired (with or without the toys). I figure I won't live to retire, and if I do I certainly won't have the money for those toys, but that's why they call it a dream garage.
Cell Phone Follies
I used to spend much of my time returning phone calls. Every time I would get to my orifice, when I remembered, I'd check my voice mail. There were always new calls. Then I'd play phone tag with the other party.
Then we moved to the new building. My portable phone wouldn't reach to the other side of the complex. The solution adopted by several of the other guys was to forward their number to their cell phone. So I did the same, sticking the 21st century icon on my belt, a small Motorola Timeport.
The good news: I get very few messages now. More people reach me. The bad news: More people reach me-in the bathroom, on demo drives, at lunch, far from my orifice. Sometimes they're a little nonplussed that I can't write down the information or give them an instant quote because I'm not in front of the computer, but that'll work out. I think this is an advantage. I just love these "time saving" appliances which add to our workday. As I say, we only work half days here. The dealer doesn't care what we do with the other 12 hours.
Sometimes when I leave at the end of the day I forget to unforward the calls, so when you call me to leave a message at 0200, you'll get a cellular service recording, but eventually I guess I'll remember to do that.
Cell Phone Free Zone
The letter was too long to print here, but a client, a critical care nurse, railed long and hard at people who use cell phones in hospitals despite the signs telling them not to. They really do screw up the machines there. People have experienced life threatening conditions because of cell phone use in the hospital. It'll be kind of rough telling the family you killed Uncle Burt with your cell phone when you went there to wish him a speedy recovery.
NTB Follies
I picked up a nail in a tire on the ML430 and put on a spare and took it to NTB at Antoine and Katy Freeway. The next morning I went to pick it up. The only Mercedes wheel there was from an ML320. The "manager" insisted it was my tire. The mechanic insisted it was my tire. 20 minutes later I left without my tire or the 16" ML320 tire. The "manager" who had worked on Wednesday wasn't there on Thursday. The Thursday "manager" was a model for how to tick off a customer, evasive, no eye contact, rude, just what I needed at 0730 in the morning. I missed breakfast, which I needed even more.
I found the wheel and tire next to an ML320 in the shop. A porter had picked up the wrong wheel and tire. I presume the mechanic would have caught it eventually. But a ML430 wheel will fit on an ML320, so I suppose it could have driven off and not been noticed for a while.
Basic Air Bag Operation
The normal threshold for firing an air bag is 3 gs deceleration. That's equivalent to 2-13 mph into a fixed barricade.
But if you're wearing your seat belts, and they're tight, you don't need an air bag then. Thus Mercedes-Benz have seat belt emergency tensioning retractors which will tighten the seat belt significantly, as much as 6-7", at this level. This explains why Mercedes belts are so comfortable to wear.
So if you're wearing your seat belt in a Mercedes-Benz, the threshold for the air bag firing is upped to 4 gs. That's equivalent to 18-20 mph into the immovable object.
With the latest bags, on most 2000- 2001 Mercedes, 2 cylinders are used to inflate the bags fully. Older bags have one cylinder of propellant per bag. Thus with the new ones at 4 gs only one cylinder fires, expanding the bag to about 70% of capacity, resulting in a soft bag, but still enough to do the job with a belted passenger.
At higher speeds both cylinders fire, and the firing sequence varies with the speed and severity of the impact.
The bag inflates and deflates within 1/30th of a second. If you blink, you'll miss it.
You'll feel like you've been slapped all over.
Typical air bag injuries are bloody noses, 1st degree forehead burns, and burns and bruises on the forearms. Current Mercedes bags are less likely to cause such injuries because of proper design and materials, such as seams which don't cut and insulation on the face of the bag.
The passenger bag, on a current Mercedes, won't go off if no one is sitting there or if it has been turned off by the mounting of a BabySmart® Child Safety Seat.
The side air bags don't come out very far, less than a foot from the door. An average sized bag is 16 liters, more for bigger cars, smaller for smaller cars. They're harmless to people sitting upright. If you allow your children to lie down with their heads on the door stop it immediately and make them sit up and face forward like our mothers made us. They inflate VERY quickly and deflate immediately, less than 1/30th second.
The Side Head Protection Curtains are the only bags which stay inflated for 3 seconds in order to protect against rollovers and multiple impacts. As far as I know, side head protection curtains are completely benign, but it's hard to make anything idiot proof because idiots are so creative.
THREE CATS AND A DOG
I haven't written about the cats much in a long time. There was a reason. His name is Merlin.
When I brought Merlin home over The Redhead's objections, I thought he was going to be another Bear. He was from the same breeder. Theodore Roosevelt Bear is the perfect cat. He is a big, long haired Persian with thick grey fur making a lion's mane around his wide face and copper colored eyes. He is seldom flustered and quite gregarious. Everyone loves Bear, and Bear loves everyone. He likes to remain just out of snuggle reach, but he can be picked up and put on his back and petted under certain circumstances, such as in the bathroom or at the dining table, but not seated in the living room because Merlin goes there. Merlin goes the other places, too, but, for some reason Bear doesn't want to lie on his back getting his tummy scratched in the living room.
But Merlin wasn't like Bear. He's a Persian but a small one, with quite different fur which needs frequent grooming. He's a white cat with blue eyes and a pink nose, very peke-faced to the point he has a lot of respiratory problems.
But he has other problems, first noted when The Redhead threw him off the balcony. Actually he backed off the balcony trying to get away from her, but he claimed she threw him off. That was his excuse for a lot of his misdeeds in his youth.
He landed okay, and I thought everything was okay until the next morning at 0200 when Alien Kitty attached himself to my face, all 20 razor sharp claws embedded in my skin. I had to get The Redhead to peel him off claw by claw. He was the runt of the litter and I believe he had a difficult birth, giving him the kitty equivalent of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, because some of the time some of the synapses weren't firing correctly leading to Alien Kitty and other problems.
And I didn't know about the 3 cats rule. Like 3 on a match, one should avoid 3s in cats. 2 works. 1 works. 3 doesn't.
As he was growing up he had some more behavioral problems, and there were times I thought I would come home to find a dead cat and The Redhead on the run from the PETA hit squads. But the bottom line is he is now on a regimen of a human anti-anxiety medication called Buspar. I give him small doses twice a day. He seems to look forward to getting his pill and will purr and lie on his back for it. Thank goodness he needs it, because when I have to pill the other two I look like I've come in second in a knife fight. Alien Kitty doesn't come out very often now, and Merlin is a very sweet cat. He is the only one of the three who will sit on my chest or The Redhead's chest, and purr for up to 45 minutes at a time. He purrs when he eats. He purrs when he is picked up most times. He might need medication of one kind or another and frequent grooming, but he is purr-fect.
Emerald, the senior cat, is a shaded silver Persian with green eyes and black-rimmed pink nose. Her tongue is big and her jaw is small, so she usually has her tongue sticking out.
Merlin picks fights with her. She spends some of her time in her travel crate, which we keep in the living room for her sanctuary, but he has been known to jump in there and fight with her in the cat equivalent of a phone booth. She can hold her own when in the mood.
They're all addicted to Pounce cat treats, but not like Emerald is. She DEMANDS pounce when I get home at night and will stand on my chest tapping on my face with her left paw until I put down my reading and give it to her.
Bear usually doesn't come up for it but expects me to take it to him when I give it to the others.
John Moses Browning, the vicious, armed and dangerous 8 lb. Miniature Pinscher also likes Pounce. But then he likes almost everything. He likes whatever we're nibbling on in the pool or hot tub but doesn't want to get wet after an unfortunate accident one cold night when he wound up in the decidedly cold tub. So he'll r-e-a-c-h out to grab cheese or chocolate out of our hands or off our plates, but he won't jump in.
At 12 he is aging well, having few problems and still being pugnacious enough to let every dog on the street know who is top dog. He takes particular dislike to two black labs who, unfortunately, take their walks the same time he does occasionally.
THE FELINE PARTY
I've been asked to give equal time to another Political Party. It's time to hear from a party of real winners. Here's the platform of the Feline Party:
1. The Feline Party is strongly opposed to claw control. When claws are outlawed only dogs will have claws.
2. The Feline Party, however, is in favor of dog control. Step 1, all dogs must be registered. Step 2. Certain breeds of dogs are "BAD" dogs and must be eliminated, starting with the big, dangerous "assault" dogs such as Rottweilers, German Shepherds, and Pit Bulls, then including the "Saturday Night Special" dogs such as Miniature Pinschers, Chihuahuas, Pekinese, etc. After those dangerous dogs are eliminated safe dog storage laws must be enforced, requiring muzzle locks on all remaining dogs or keeping them in a dog safe so they are out of the reach of children and stupid adults. When that fails to curb dog violence, then those dogs must be confiscated through a dog turn in program offering basketball tickets for each dog turned in.
3. The minimum wage for cats must be increased. Most cats are given only room and board, and sometimes just food and forced to sleep outside, not to mention the millions of homeless cats. Starting immediately the following steps must be taken:
a. Cats must be allowed to eat at the table with their human pets.
b. Cats will no longer be required to do tricks such as looking cute or purring without compensation. 1 Pounce Cat Treat per minute of purr or looking cute will be considered the minimum livable wage.
c. Finicky cats must be given a choice of at least 5 different foods every meal, preferably home cooked and warm.
d. Using mice to supplement the diet will be considered cruelty to cats. However, if a cat chooses to hunt mice for sport, no regulations can be enforced, such as seasons or bag limits, and owners must accept them as gifts and praise the cats for their hunting skills..
e. All homeless cats must be adopted. Unadopted cats will be allocated by the Federal government, and the people allocated a cat will be responsible for its well being.
4. Cruelty to cats will be punishable by death, preferably by mauling by tigers or lions. Anti-cat bumper stickers of the variety, "Looking for your cat? Try under my tires" will result in the confiscation of the vehicle and the driver being sentenced to life in prison cleaning the tiger cages at the zoo-while the tigers are in the cages.
5. At least one member of the household will be required to stay at home in order to entertain the cats at all time. Tax rebates of $100,000 per couple will be offered to encourage this.
6. Cats believe in families. Thus divorce should be limited to cases in which one spouse either does not love cats or is hopelessly allergic to cats. Couples who do not own a cat will not be allowed to marry, of course and will be sterilized to prevent more people like them.
7. Medical research has been misguided. Half of the medical schools should be turned into veterinary schools, and most research dollars spent on human ailments should be diverted to curing allergies to cats.
8. Cats are, of course, opposed to spaying and neutering. Would you want your husband neutered? Hmm, let's rephrase that as most wives probably would. Cats are in favor of adoption, not spaying and neutering. Every kitten should be adopted by a loving family.
9. No pet zones must be eliminated. Every hotel and motel must encourage patrons to bring their cats with them.
10. Jaguar Cars, the Exxon Tiger, and Tony the Tiger, etc. must pay royalties to the Feline Party.
Vote Cat. Remember, Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
CURT RICH NOVEMBER 2000