The Secret Mercedes

There is a secret Mercedes-Benz available at Mercedes-Benz dealerships.  MBUSA doesn’t want you to know about it.  If they did, they would advertise it.  Instead, they keep it a secret.  I’ve sold several, and nearly all of the buyers have seen it while here for something else, been sold on its looks, utility, comfort, ride, practicality, and sheer genius of design.  Many didn’t know it existed until they got here.

The secret Mercedes is the R-Class.  Watch a TV Mercedes ad, if you can find one.  It won’t be an R-Class ad.  (Okay, between writing this and printing it, I saw an R-Class ad, a bad one, but at least an ad.)
What is the R-Class?  Well, just to confuse things they call it a Gran Sport Tourer, which makes most Americans say something like, “Didn’t they misspell Grand?” or more likely, “Dude!”  But naming what it is becomes difficult.  It’s built on an SUV chassis, the same as the M-Class and upcoming GL-Class, but even longer, with a 123” wheel base and an overall length of 203 inches, making it bigger than an S500 sedan and almost as long as an S550 sedan.

But inside it carries 6 people in pure comfort, like a minivan.

“Well, there you go, dude.  It’s a minivan!  I won’t have a minivan because my momma had a minivan, and I’m not my momma.”

I could be wrong, but I’m unaware of any minivans I’d want to be on the banking at Texas Motor Speedway cruising at near 130 mph.

People have also called it a station wagon.  “There you go, dude.  It’s a station wagon.  I won’t have a station wagon because my momma had a station wagon, and I’m not my momma!”  Well, if it is, it’s the most comfortable one ever.  It does carry 6 people facing forward, 6 adult human beings, and luggage.  The first person put in the back seat at school on it was 6’5”.

Some people have called black ones hearses.  Well, with the seats folded down it does have a flat floor 7’9” long and almost 4 feet wide.  You could use it for that purpose.  If so, make sure the driver puts the transmission in “C” and never exerts much pressure on the throttle.  Having a funeral procession go through town at 130 would probably be frowned upon unless it’s A. J. Foyt’s funeral (and he’s very much alive.)

It has, we Texans feel, two flaws.  There is, as of now, no 7-seat option.  The middle seats are individual captain’s chairs, with or without console in between.  It also has no trailer hitch.  That might fly in some states, but every Texan tows something, a boat, a hunting 4 wheeler, a horse trailer, etc.  The ML will tow 5,000 lb.  We don’t know why this one doesn’t have a towing package.  With its  126.5” wheelbase it should be very stable.

But because of the underfunded ad campaign, you can actually get one of these vehicles cheaper than you should, about $5,000 less in March.

Mercedes-Benz Safety Innovations

The rigid vehicle passenger cell with energy-absorbing front and rear crumple zones, which serves as the foundation for automotive occupant safety, was developed and patented in the early 1950’s by Mercedes-Benz engineer Béla Barényi.  From the start of the company, safety has been a top priority for Mercedes-Benz, resulting in technology as early as the 1930’s when it introduced self-adjusting brakes coupled with four-wheel independent suspension.  Today this commitment and innovation continues with active and passive engineering features such as PRE-SAFE anticipatory collision technology and Night View Assist infra-red night vision technology, which are the latest safety milestones in Mercedes-Benz history spanning 120 years. 

Timeline of the Most Significant Mercedes-Benz Safety Innovations:

1938 – self-adjusting brakes
1939 – study of safety elements in prototype safety vehicles
1951 – development of the safety car body with rigid passenger cell and front and rear crumple zones
1959 – first frontal crash test, standard “occupant-friendly” interior,
1960 -- first rollover test
1961 – servo-assisted disc brakes
1967 – first energy absorbing steering wheel and telescoping column
1969 –systematic investigation and analysis of traffic accidents (in Germany) involving Mercedes cars
1978 – electronic anti-lock brake system (ABS)
1980 – first offset-crash car design
1981 – front shoulder belt height adjustment
1983 – Supplemental Restraint System (SRS) featuring driver’s airbag in North America
1984 – emergency tensioning retractors to reduce slack from front passenger seatbelt in certain impacts
1985 – emergency tensioning retractors to reduce slack from front driver seatbelt in certain impacts
1986 – first headlamp wiper/washers for U.S. models
1988 – driver and passenger front air bag system offered in North America
1989 – first automatic deploying rollover bar and first seatbelts integrated into seats (1990 SL-Class)
1992 – G-force brake proportioning system (model year 1993 S-Class)
1994 – driver and passenger front air bags standard on all Mercedes models in North America
1995 – Electronic Stability Program (ESP)
1996 – side impact air bags for driver and front passenger
1997 – BabySmart child seat detection system (model year 1998 SLK coupe/roadster)
1997 – Brake Assist System
1998 – window curtain air bags (model year 1999 E-Class sedans)
1999 – Dual stage “smart” front passenger air bag, deploys in partial or full force, dependent on impact severity (model year 2000 S-Class)
1999 – Tele Aid emergency calling system (model year 2000 S-Class)
2000 – Dual stage “smart” front driver and passenger air bag, deploys in partial or full force, dependent on impact severity (model year 2001 C-Class)
2002 – PRE-SAFE system that conditions interior to best protect occupants for an unavoidable impact (model year 2003 S-Class)
2005 – PRE-SAFE  plus improved Brake Assist Plus for further enhancement to occupant protection (model year 2007 S-Class)
2005 – Infra-red night view assist technology for model year 2007  S-Class

Minimizing Tickets

Since Star Motor Cars is in the middle of an “enhanced traffic enforcement area,” I’ve seen a lot of co-workers and customers get speeding tickets and more.  Some have gotten as many as three tickets at once.  Some suggestions to minimize your chance for getting tickets:

1. Speeding on surface streets is non-productive, so obey the speed limit.  (What a concept!)  Obeying the speed limit doesn’t guarantee you won’t get a speeding ticket.  I’ve gotten three or four in my career when I was going below the speed limit.  Another bigger vehicle in the vicinity will cost most radar guns to lock in on it instead of your SLK.  Not all policemen are thoroughly trained in usage of radar, and a lot of those that are don’t follow all the rules.  When I had a radar unit once for a few days while sitting in a SAAB I could make the unit read various numbers by playing with the fan speed—when there was no car in the target zone.  If you think no revenue collector has ever used that feature you are refreshingly naïve.

But not speeding helps.  At least go with the flow if the speed limit is REALLY set low.  But be aware there is only one reason to set the speed lower than common sense would indicate—revenue enhancement.  If you don’t believe that, drive Memorial from Loop 610 into downtown Houston.  Then make the same drive in the parallel Allen Parkway from where it starts.  Memorial Drive is at racetrack speeds because there is no place to pull off a miscreant.  Thus the speed limit is realistic (and high!)  Allen Parkway, however, is underposted by 10 mph for revenue enhancement.  Such speed limits in Texas are supposed to be set at the 85th percentile of actual speed using a traffic survey.  In this case the cars recording prevailing speeds were marked, and their roof lights were flashing.  I might be the only one observing the speed limit on Allen Parkway, but I won’t speed there.

In any case, you can’t make up time speeding on surface streets.  The difference between calm observation of the speed limit and driving as if you stole it and the hounds of hell were pursuing you won’t be more than a minute or two on a cross-town jaunt.

2. On rural freeways where the left lane is almost always speeding, go with the flow.  Run Silent, Run Deep, as Brock Yates says.  Zigzagging is visible hundreds of yards away, and there are a few revenue collectors who are actually interested in traffic safety and know that zigzagging through traffic is about as dangerous as you can get most of the time without front-mounted machine guns.

3.  Put on the front license plate.  Texas requires front and back plates.  We’re a border state, and the Border Patrol likes knowing who is coming at a border checkpoint.  It’s a $200 ticket for not having it, and if you also have a license plate frame on the back that covers “TEXAS” or “THE LONE STAR STATE,” it’s another $200, and we haven’t even gotten to the speeding.

4.  Never, never, never go 25 mph or more over the speed limit.  A driver with a valid Texas driver’s license can’t be arrested for going 24 mph over, but 25 can be considered reckless driving (whatever that is), and you can be arrested and thrown in jail.  Smart off to the revenue collector, and it’s guaranteed.

5.  Keep registration, safety inspection, and insurance card up to date.  They’re towing cars in Richmond and Rosenberg, Texas for not having proof of insurance.  That gets REALLY expensive fast.  Wear the seat belt.  They can pull you over for not wearing it.  Fail to wear it at night, and you’ll be checked over for a high BAC.  Anyway, if you want to get killed in a Mercedes, don’t wear your seat belt or stick a gun to your ear.  Otherwise it’s very hard.

6.  Be as unprovokable as a karate master.  If someone cuts you off, back off to a safe following distance until someone else cuts you off.  If people aren’t cutting you off often, you’re following too closely.  If someone starts trying to pick an automotive fight with you, change directions.  Get off the freeway.  On a surface street, turn at the next available intersection onto a main road.  Do three right turns.  If he is still there after 3 right turns, he is following you and intent on doing you harm.  Call Tele-Aid or, lacking that, 911, and try to get help.

7.  If you see flashing emergency vehicle lights, move over one lane to get out of the lane next to them or slow 10 mph below the speed limit or both.  Speed traps have been set up using one revenue collector with lights flashing on the side of the road, and another one just over the hill to pull you over and ticket.

8,  If the car pulling you over doesn’t look right, it probably isn’t.  Call Tele-Aid or 911 and ask if the police have anyone following you.  Once upon a time one of my customers did that, and Tele-Aid came back with word that the locals didn’t have anyone behind her, but they were sending available cars to her direction.  If pulled over, keep the door locked.  Lower the window only enough to slide license and insurance card out and ticket in.  Don’t get out of the car unless TeleAid or 911 has verified the revenue collector’s credentials.  Keep TeleAid on the line if you do.  Real policemen have raped and murdered women, too.  It’s rare, but if you allow for Murphy’s law, your odds of survival go up.

9.  Get a Valentine One Radar/Laser Detector.  Study the manual.  Have it professionally installed.  For two weeks drive as if it wasn’t there but listen to it to learn its signals and see its various lights.  If it’s making noise, don’t assume it’s a false alarm.  Get legal.

10.  If the Valentine goes off in a method that sounds like it’s the real thing, hit the brakes hard enough to activate Brake Assist.  Watch the speedo.  Stop braking when you’re legal, not before.  Brake Assist will give you the shortest braking distances the car is capable of or very close to it.  It will brake hard enough to scare you.  Don’t get rear-ended.  If the radar hasn’t locked on to you, it won’t while you’re braking that hard.  The range of the V1 is so good you’ll probably pick up radar while it’s pointed at a car ahead of you, sometimes WAY ahead.  Don’t ever assume it’s a false alarm.  90% of tickets received by people using V1s are probably the result of thinking it’s giving you a false alarm.  (It will.  All radar detectors do.  It can’t be helped.)

One of the local TV stations has pretty good evidence that HPD does have a quota.  When policemen worked to rule a while ago and didn’t write tickets, the city was nearly bankrupt in a couple of months.  They ARE out to get you.  Once I left I10 at Washington and encountered 7 patrol cars with radar or laser between there and the store.  Each one had a victim and was writing a ticket.  2 were having tow trucks cart their victims vehicles away.  Remember that when you come to Star, and please don’t speed in this area.

One more thing.  Fight every ticket as if your license depended on it.  Two reasons: 1.  Your third ticket might be defense-proof.  You’re not going back to Ozona to contest it.  It might be in a Justice of the Peace Court where there are two kinds of animals, kangaroos and turkeys. 2.  The system depends on people not fighting it.  Most of the people who do fight it come out ahead.   Use a lawyer to fight it.

Miscellaneous Ravings

Fox News back on Sirius

Sirius and Fox News have settled their differences.  Channel 133 is again Fox News.  You may stop the hate mail.  I wasn’t happy with it either.

Cat Letter

I liked the piece on cats in newsletter.  Our previous Grand Master of the Mystical, Itty Bitty Kitty, had his own way of making his love and affection known....at about 0300 hours.  He'd stand on your stomach while you were sleeping and begin the "kneading dough" trick, pushing back and forth with his front paws.  He didn't even want to go out, or eat, or anything; he simply wanted to let you know he liked you I guess.

Two new feline four-leggers are funny.  At cat central they blow the "fight whistle" about once every two days, so the two of them promptly start fighting, chasing all over, making noise, knocking things down. About five minutes later Cat Central sounds the cease-fire whistle, and they immediately stop and go back to sleep, or eat.  One of the two, Zoomie, has a unique trait I've never encountered: she likes to sleep under the covers...YOUR covers.  Plop youself in bed and within five minutes she's pawing at the blankets, at which point you hold them up so she can crawl underneath with you and sack out.  She'll do that during the day as well, and you'll see a mound under the bedspread when she's gone to take a nap.
Magnum, the other one, isn't quite so goofy, but you will find him staring at you from time to time, and the stare-down can go for quite a while. 

Neither one of them has been willing to explain this to their two-leggers.

Bill Laurie

Letter

I have just stumbled upon your site and enjoy it very much. I really enjoy all the different topics you cover, and the great insights you have into human nature. I found your site in doing some research on Mercedes.  You see, I have become the caretaker of my late father's 00 c230K sport edition. He lost his battle with Cancer this past November.

Before he died I think he had decided to sell it as he was worried about reliability and repair costs for my mother as the car had now come off warranty. I'm mulling over the prospect of buying the car from my mother.  She has said she would like to keep the car in the family.

While my father was still with us I often drove the car and marveled at the solidity and the feeling of heft the car exhibited all the while being a quite nimble and fun to drive. This was always a stark contrast to the light and darty nature of the Japanese cars I had become accustomed to.

After reading your newsletter and talking with a fellow Mercedes Aficionado at my place of employment, the topic of safety kept coming up and my friend pointed out to me all the features Mercedes builds into their cars to provide the highest level of safety for the occupants.

I must tell you that I feel much better when I put my wife into this car for her daily commute than our older mini van!

Rolf Seerden

Beta Testing Dog Toys

George S. Patton, Jr. weighs 15 lb.  He is not Cujo.  But, we have noticed that most of the toys in PetSmart have lasted less than a week each.  The Redhead came home with a toy designed to last, a plastic Frisbee—one hour before he had chewed chunks out of it.

After the “Dirty Rotten Kitty” becoming an empty bag in a few days and a sheepskin Teddy Bear lasting a bit longer, and so many others I can’t remember, I decided to get serious.

Duluth Trading Company had been advertising some serious dog training tools:
“…Made of unstructured 1000-denier nylon fabric (same as our rugged Scout-proof dog beds), they're a softer, lighter, easier-to-throw alternative to plastic discs. They float, which is good, since Scout doesn't always catch them in mid-air before hitting the water. Roll them up to fit in your pocket or your glove compartment. On rainy days, toss them indoors without damaging furniture…”
Ten minutes, and it was torn apart!

This photo was taken 10 minutes after George S. Patton, Jr. received the cloth Frisbee

“Dog Quoits are anchor-rope sturdy—Set of two rugged, chewable throw toys. Buttons or Midnight will eagerly retrieve these Dog Quoits for hours. Inspired by the original quoits – rings of iron or rope – used for the horseshoe-like game sailors played on ships over 200 years ago. Ours are made in a circle of durable, rot-resistant marine-grade rope with 600-denier nylon cross pieces. As stable in the air as a plastic flying disc but more heft so wind doesn’t carry it into a picnic’s potato salad. And (Chesapeake Bay Retrievers rejoice) these quoits even float.”

Well, they might float.  The rope was chewed up the first night.  I’m giving it a week, maybe 2.

George S. Patton, Jr. had this one for half an hour when this photo was taken

Shaded Silver Persians

Shaded Silver Persian cats look like white cats to many, but their fur is white with black tips, giving it a silver quality.  Their noses are pink with black rims, and their eyes are bright green.

Emerald demanding Pounce Cat treats

They have a Persian build, meaning round face with flat or even “Peke-faced” nose.  Their hair is 3-5 inches long.  They are stocky of body.  Their personalities are usually pleasant and gregarious, but they vary.

Arthur Pendragon

Because of their long hair, they can be considered high maintenance cats.

Arthur Pendragon missed a life as a show cat because he has a nose he can actually breathe through. Lucky cat.

Ones with Peke faces (inset noses), should be avoided because of tearing and breathing problems.  Naturally the breeders prize this, so the cats with decent noses usually are sold at pet quality prices.

Arthur taking butter from Curt's nose

Why do I know so much about them?

Well, while I was in Vietnam, my first wife received 2 Shaded Silver Persians as gifts.  The male, Ishmael, was given her by a young man who had just gotten married, and his new wife didn’t like the cat.  I saw no future in that marriage.  Here was a rare cat loving male, and he had the misfortune of falling for a rare cat hating female.  She could have been allergic.  That should have disqualified her, too.  You don’t want to pass that trait on to the next generation, do you?  Ishmael was a magnificent cat who ruled our house for years.

The female, Abigail, became the wife’s property when she got out one night and found herself in the family way.

So I came home to seven cats.  The kittens all went home to new homes in Texas City, and we went to my next duty station with the two.  They had a litter of kittens, and, based on their good looks, we  had pre-sold all of the kittens.  Unfortunately she had only one, a male.  He went to a good home, and I decided I wasn’t cut out to be a cat breeder.  She was unable to have any more kittens.

But the wife wanted to be a cat breeder.  Ishmael was no longer able to father kittens, so when Abigail died some years later she got a female that had been mistreated by its previous owner.

She never behaved well, not forgetting her mistreatment and not wanting to be friends to people.  But, using an outside stud, she had 5 kittens.

In the divorce I got one, Andromeda (yes, the wife came up with all of these names).

As long time readers will remember, she was a licensed, certified Bitch Detector.  When the leggy belly dancer/geologist came to stay, bringing her Eskimo dog, she tried to tell me that was a bad choice.  It was.  Several other beautiful women visited, and she rejected them all, having nothing to do with anyone but me.  I was beginning to figure out such beauty wasn’t worth the accompanying eccentricities.

Then The Redhead, a stunningly beautiful woman, came over for dinner, and while I was making drinks, I heard from the living room, “Oh, what a pretty cat.”

Emerald at arrival at the Rich Compound

“She’s not very friendly,” I started saying as I walked back into the living room to find her curled up in The Redhead’s lap, purring and kneading.  I took her advice and kept The Redhead.

Emerald at 6 months

She stayed with us for sixteen years.  We had decided she needed a playmate/companion, and I sent The Redhead to the annual cat show to get another Shaded Silver, and she came home with Kahlua, a lovely Himalayan.  She stayed with us fourteen years.  (Note: Shaded Silvers do not need playmates. They prefer being the only cat in the household.  Trust me.)

Arthur Pendragon at 6 weeks

Now we have Emerald, who is going on eleven, and Arthur Pendragon, who is going on three and convinced he is absolute king of the universe.  He has recently decided that I am worthy of snuggle, but only when he is in a window or on the breakfast or dining table.  Emerald is addicted to Pounce Cat Treats, so she, at least, will sit near me begging for them.  Arthur is addicted only to milk at the breakfast table and food.

Arthur Pendragon at 12 weeks

In practical moments I think that the next cat will be short-haired and thus lower maintenance.

Arthur is on top, but Emerald has the cushion

Naah…

Curt Rich March 2006

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Stuff that didn't fit into the snailmailed version:

Another Reason to Avoid New Joisey
February 27, 2006 - The Association of New Jersey Rifle & Pistol Clubs, Inc. (ANJRPC) announced that it has commenced a lawsuit against the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey and one of its police officers for wrongfully arresting and imprisoning for nearly five days a 57-year old Utah man delayed at Newark Airport by a baggage error while traveling from Utah to Pennsylvania.
The lawsuit seeks more than $3 million in damages for civil rights violations and a permanent injunction forcing the Port Authority to follow Federal law on interstate transport of locked, unloaded firearms that have been secured in luggage and declared by law-abiding citizens.
The Utah man, Gregg Revell, a real estate broker and family man with no criminal record and a Utah firearms permit, was flying alone from Salt Lake City, UT to Allentown, PA to retrieve a car he bought and drive it home. He was travelling with a firearm for personal protection. As required by Federal law, the firearm was unloaded, cased, locked and inside his luggage when he declared it at check-in in Salt Lake City on March 31, 2005.
Due to an airline-caused baggage error, Mr. Revell missed his connection from Newark to Allentown and had to stay overnight in New Jersey. When he checked in at Newark Airport the next morning to complete his travels, he again declared his firearm, as required by FAA regulations. He was then arrested for possession of a firearm without a New Jersey state license, and imprisoned in Essex County jail for five days until his family arranged bail, which had been initially set unusually high at $15,000 cash (no bond).
But Mr. Revell’s travels were protected by the Firearms Owner Protection Act, a Federal law passed in 1986 to protect law-abiding citizens who travel with firearms. (See 18 U.S.C. § 926A.) That law trumps state and local gun laws and protects interstate travel with firearms under certain circumstances, all of which were present in Mr. Revell’s case. Several months after the arrest, all charges were withdrawn and the prosecutor’s case administratively dismissed.
"The Port Authority blatantly violated Federal law when it arrested Gregg Revell," said Scott Bach, President of the Association of New Jersey Rifle and Pistol Clubs and a member of the NRA Board of Directors. "Those charged with enforcing the law have a special responsibility to follow it themselves," Bach continued. "Mr. Revell’s arrest is part of a pattern of similar misconduct by the Port Authority throughout the New York-New Jersey metropolitan areas."
"This lawsuit is intended to send a signal not only to the Port Authority but to every agency and officer responsible for policing our airports and highways: if you violate the rights of law-abiding gun owners, you will be held fully accountable." The lawsuit also names the arresting Port Authority police officer, Scott Erickson, as a defendant.
Once inside Essex County prison, Mr. Revell was subjected to numerous atrocities. He was thrown into a holding cell with 28 inmates, many of whom were admitted murderers and rapists. He endured a repulsive vomit-covered bed and toilet, was denied his blood pressure and migraine medication, innoculated against his will, given inedible food, strip-searched, and left only with his wits to survive.
"I did nothing wrong yet was arrested and subjected to the worst treatment imaginable for almost a week," said Mr. Revell, who has 8 children, 8 grandchildren and has been married for 36 years. "I brought this lawsuit together with the Association of New Jersey Rifle & Pistol Clubs because I want to stop this kind of abuse from ever happening again," said Revell. "No one should ever have to experience what I experienced," he said. "I paid the price, but I’m committed to making sure no one else does."
(They might straighten this one out, but New Joisey and New Yawk authorities will continue their harassment policies against gun owners.  Just don’t go there, and don’t take a connecting flight through there.  Mr. Revell, you should buy your cars in Texas and fly Southwest.)