ATTENTION All MEN:
Do people call you fatty?
Do people call you baldy?
Do people call you ugly?
Do people call you shortie?
Do people call you stupid?
Do people call you loser?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
Worst of all, have the women lost interest in you?
Do not despair.
Now there is a new "Male Beauty Product" on the market that will change all of that.
©2004 May not be reproduced in any form without written permission of the author. This includes publishing at other websites.
23 Years at Star Motor Cars
Yep, I've worked at Star Motor Cars for 23 years. I was selling Chevys in Pasadena. What crime I had committed to be given such a heinous punishment is another story altogether. The hours were murder. There were two eight a.m. meetings a week, one on Monday, one on Thursday. Since we alternated working 8 to 6 and 12 to 9, this meant you worked at least one day from 8 AM to 9 PM. Saturday was till 6 in the winter, 8 in the summer. The first wife had gotten tired of that, and one day I came home to find one car, all the good furniture, the wife, and the cats gone.
I missed those cats.
It took a year and $40,000 to get one cat back, but she was worth it. She picked The Redhead after rejecting the crazy lady engineer, the gold digger, the crazy long legged girl, the vegetarian, the squirrelly curly haired lab technician, the geologist/belly dancer, the, well, you get the picture. When she did that I had an eureka moment and burned my address book. I had already stopped dating anyone else. I've been absolutely faithful to The Redhead for all that time because of three little words she said early in our relationship: Smith and Wesson.
But back to work. The owner of this store got some of my direct mail and offered me a job, one of his better decisions. It rescued me from hell and moved me to purgatory. I had to stay at the Chevy store during June to get a free Vegas trip I'd won, so I came here exactly 3 years after starting at the Chevy Store. In 36 months I'd been salesman of the month 12 times, got into all of Chevy's high production clubs, and outlasted the others. I was senior salesman by then. I "closed" for the beginners.
Multi-Line Dealer
When I got to Star, we were selling Mercedes-Benz, Volvo, Saab, Aston-Martin, and Lotus - from the same showroom.
The Mercedes were all "sold" before they arrived. Either R.H. Alexander, Tom Hartigan, or Ken Hodge had his name on everything coming in. Finding something to sell was difficult. So I sold a lot of Volvos and Saabs while getting established.
The Redhead
The Redhead and I were married in April 1982, the brightest decision I'd made since I refused Col. Hayes' offer to extend in Vietnam, (both decisions being no-brainers) and gave her a Volvo Turbo Police car as a wedding present. The Volvo factory people were livid that we hadn't sold it to a police department, but, as the store's owner said, "it's my car."
I got our first Mercedes in 1983, one of the first 190s, a diesel. I owned several 190s, including a 16 Valve.
The Advisors
In 1986 my novel, The Advisors, was published. It sold its first printing in 6 weeks. The company president who approved it was replaced. None of the books he approved were ever reprinted.
Things rocked along pretty well until the Tax Reform Act of 1986 went into effect. A Democratic congressman from, where else, California, had received, from a Rolls Royce dealer, a flyer saying something like, "Let the government buy you a Rolls." So he stuck in a rider eliminating accelerated depreciation for automobiles. As usual with congress, it didn't apply to Rolls. They were all over 6000 lb. GVWR. But it devastated us, and my income fell $30,000 in 1987.
But I worked out of that hole. Somewhere along the way the people at SAAB decided we had to have a sign along the front of the place something like 30 feet long and 8 feet high. The City of Houston said no as it violated the city sign ordinance. They didn't care. So we and SAAB parted ways.
Product Challenge Champion
In 1991 I won the Mercedes-Benz Product Challenge, a national product knowledge competition culminating with a game show in New York at the Plaza Hotel. As a result I got to drive a new SL for a year.
Quality By Design
The next year I was selected to go to Germany for Quality by Design, a training program for the top salesmen and managers.
They haven't had another competition like the Product Challenge since then. The executive who pushed it went back to Germany. Regimes change at MBUSA. Boy, do they change, never for the better of the people in the trenches actually meeting the customers and putting their product on the road one at a time. Dealer Markup has eroded from 20% to 17% to 15% to 13% to 7%. Due to incentives given dealers, their income has dropped by about one third, but salesman, beginning with the 2000 model cars, have lost 2/3rds of our income. At that time the regime running MBUSA tried some new ideas, reinventing the wheel, moving to the next millennium, and screwing up things royally. They told us we were going to be selling cars at one price, no dickering. When they told us this they had an open bar. I couldn't drink enough for that to make sense, though. Obviously they knew nothing about the psyche of the American car buyer.
They didn't know much about car sales people, either. They wanted to do away with commissions and replace them with flat fees for selling a car. Thus an S600, which takes hours to prep and deliver, would pay the same as a C230K, which I can deliver in the time it takes to activate the TeleAid on the S600. And neither would pay enough. Fortunately our dealer didn't go for that particular program. On the other hand, he has cut our pay plan several times since I arrived. It's never been improved. Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be car salesmen.
They thought they could sell cars on the internet. Maybe, someday. I just find it hard to see, smell, taste, and drive a car on the internet. So do customers. They have to sit in the back seat, open the trunk, and start the engine, just like always.
It didn't last long, but the low markup stayed. The idiot-in-charge who forced that down our throats took a multimillion dollar signing bonus to go with a big dealer chain as their CEO. The first thing he did was to repudiate the one-price concept at his chain. I'm sure he has a lot of bodyguard expense. What with an entire fleet of Mercedes salesmen still hoping to run into him in a dark alley.
Drive to Survive
In 1998 my "driver's handbook for the 21st Century," Drive to Survive, was published. It's still in print. It's in virtually every driver's ed bibliography and martial-arts and self-defense library. Thousands of accidents have been avoided, and over 1,000 recorded "saves" have been reported to me. Parts of it are used to train some federal employees and law enforcement agencies It's used in several corporate safety programs.
And in 2000 MBUSA decided that experienced salesmen were no longer desired. I was close to getting my 20 year ring. The @#$#$% started over. A year or so later they gave me another "starter" ring. Whoopee. Last year, the prize for being a multi-year Platinum award winner, the top, instead of being a trip to somewhere like the old days, was a piece of cloth luggage.
In October of 2000 we moved to our new building, and I couldn't sell Volvos anymore. This bothered me for, oh, 30 seconds or so. My income went up. Depression went down. Volvos had gotten hard to sell as Mercedes got easier to sell. Hmmm.
With my choice of offices here my quality of life improved. Back in 1995, during the Auto Show, I went blind. It's an optic nerve disease, bilateral, non-arteritic ischemic optic neuropathy. Some vision came back, enough for me to function, but no more racing, no more One Lap of America, no more car rallies (The Redhead and I won the national championship in 1991). And glare is a real problem. At the old office I was blind most of the day, couldn't read my computer screen, lots of fun. Here I might not know who is walking up to me because of the glare, but I can see the computer screen, and there are a lot fewer headaches.
The air conditioner also works over here-most of the time.
And I've continued to sell a lot of Mercedes. It's been gratifying. When I sold Chevys, several people were killed or maimed in cars I sold, mostly Camaros. To my knowledge I haven't lost anyone due to a car crash in a Mercedes. One was hit by a train and dragged 850 feet into a train on a parallel track. He made the 5 o'clock news that day and got a trip in Life Flight, a rare thing in a Mercedes. He spent a long time in intensive care, but he has bought several Mercedes since then.
Parents have bought them for their kids, infuriating people who consider that the height of spoiling. No, buying a kid a Corvette or a Lexus is spoiling him. Some of these Mercedes-driving kids have crashed hard. All have walked away. The list of survivors grows every year. One thing that has been constant about Mercedes, come Lexus, Acura, Infinity, BMW, and other competition ready to dethrone Mercedes. They have always made the safest cars on the face of the earth. They get safer every year. They save more lives every year. Lexus or Cadillac or BMW might copy 90% of their safety items, but they cut corners. None of them have, for example, rear side air bags as standard equipment. Apparently Junior and Grandma aren't important enough to protect. They jump up and down the JD Power survey, but that's unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Whether your model car had 85 "problems" per 100 cars in the first 90 days or 92 isn't important except for bragging rights and marketing. When a red-light runner plows into your car on the driver's side, the strength of your car and its safety systems are the most important thing in your life.
I sell Mercedes-Benz, the safest cars in the world. There
are people alive today because they were in a car I sold them when their
once-in-a-lifetime really bad crash occurred. I'm kind of proud of that.
The Next S-Class
The 2006 S-Class will come out early next year. I don't know what Mercedes' definition of "early" is, or if the source of that has the straight skinny. Stuff happens. It should be introduced at next year's Frankfurt motor show.
It'll be the next generation, code named W221. It follows Mercedes' most intensive development program ever. Unlike, say, Audi, or Jaguar, it hasn't gone to an aluminum space frame but retains a more conventional steel monocoque for more strength, crashworthiness, and refinement. Aluminum will be used extensively in order to reduce weight by 10% over today's model.
The new front end is derivative of the current one, but bold and distinctive, with single-piece headlamps incorporating Active Light Control technology, allowing the main beams to swivel in tandem with the front wheels for increased illumination. Expect Bi-Xenons to be standard on at least the big V-8 version and above.
Big fender flares dominate the side view in early photos. The rear will look a lot like the new CLS, with a freestanding trunk lid.
Pre-Safe
Pre-Safe continues to evolve, with bumpers that will extend in anticipation of a crash and a hood mounted on hydraulic struts that will automatically lift up in a frontal impact for increased pedestrian safety.
Overall exterior dimensions will remain similar to the current model, but the wheelbase will lengthen and the track will be wider. The interior dimensions will be roomier than the BMW 7-Series, or Audi A8, and big enough to "make the STS and XL appear like mid-range vehicles," according to a Mercedes official.
Expect serious upgrades on the interior to make them look and feel more luxurious. That got my attention. I thought they were pretty luxurious as they are.
New Engine Family
Expect us to only get the long wheelbase version. A 350 V6 will be the base engine in Europe. The engines will come from a new family of modular engines, returning to 4-valve technology and adding the Mercedes Twin Pulse direct-injection technology currently on the 1.8l. Kompressor engine. This will result in more efficient engines, lower fuel consumption, fewer emissions, and greater power. They're still keeping the engines secret. AutoWeek says they will be a 3.5 liter, 272-hp V6, a 4.7 liter 325-hp V8, and a 5.5-liter 410-hp V8. The 600 will have a 5.5l, 500-hp twin-turbocharged V12, and the AMG S55 equivalent version will have a new 500-hp, normally aspirated 6.3 liter V8. An AMG twin-turbo V-12 with 612-hp will top out the line.
There will be a new CL-Series with the same features and engines.
All will have the 7G-tronic seven speed automatic transmission. AMG versions and probably sport models will have steering wheel mounted shift buttons.
An evolution of the current AirMatic system will be standard, with an upgrade of the Active Body Control of today's top-line cars. An advanced version of the Sensotronic Brake Control system will be standard.
Expect some neat gadgets, such as a traffic-jam program that allows the S-Class to creep forward using the Parktronic sensors to judge the distance to the car in front. Distronic radar cruise control will be upgraded.
According to AutoWeek, "Simplified dashboard controls and more intuitive operation are among the aims of the new car's interior." That should freak out BMW.
A new DVD-based COMAND navigation system will be standard.
There will be more goodies. Watch this space.
A lot of the information in this article came from
the June 21, 2004 AutoWeek magazine.
G55 AMG -- 469 hp. and the ability to go where angels fear to tread...
25 Years of G-Class
Stuttgart, Germany The Mercedes-Benz G-Class is celebrating a special anniversary this year, as the cross-country vehicle has been in production now for the past 25 years. The G-Class can therefore look back on one of the longest production runs in automotive history. Since production was launched in 1979, around 175,000 G-Class vehicles have rolled off the assembly line at Magna Steyr in Graz, Austria, where the G-Class is assembled on behalf of DaimlerChrysler. With an unmistakable exterior that has remained virtually unchanged over the years, the Mercedes-Benz G-Class has set standards from the very start and has always been at the forefront of the development of off-road technology. "The G-Class has become a legend that uniquely combines extraordinary off-road capabilities with Mercedes standards of comfort when the vehicle is back on the road," says Prof. Jürgen Hubbert, Member of the Board of Management of the DaimlerChrysler AG responsible for the Mercedes Car Group.
The G55 AMG that Daimler Chrysler unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show in early March 2004 is not only the most powerful G-Class to date, but also the top-performing vehicle in its class. "The G55 AMG proves once again that the G-Class still has plenty of potential even a quarter of a century after its market launch," says Prof. Hubbert. "This cross-country classic continues to set the standards in its market segment."
The new supercharged G55 AMG delivers a whopping 469 hp, 120 hp more than the already powerful naturally aspirated G55 AMG model sold to date. Even more important in everyday driving is the increase in low-end torque. The new G55 AMG combines superior performance, luxurious ambiance and legendary off-road capabilities to claim its position as the pinnacle of luxury SUVs.
In Europe the G-Class is available in both short and long wheelbase versions and as a convertible. Customers can choose from five engine variants: G55 AMG, G500, G320, G270 CDI and G400 CDI. Currently only the G55 AMG and the G500 are available in the US, both with long wheelbase.
A synonym for off-road mobility, reliability, safety and performance
DaimlerChrysler sold 7,400 G-Class vehicles worldwide in 2003. Since the end of 2001 the Mercedes-Benz G-Class has also been available in the United States, where about 6,500 customers have opted for an automobile from this series so far. With sales of 1,948 G-Class vehicles last year the US market accounted for more than 25 percent of the vehicle's worldwide total sales. "The G-Class stands for off-road mobility, reliability, safety and performance," says Prof. Hubbert. "The sales success in the U.S. impressively demonstrates that this off-road vehicle has maintained its extraordinary appeal to this very day."
Last of the Breed
The 2005 is the last of the big box Gs. The 2006 will be based on the new ML chassis and will be quite streamlined. If you like the ruggedly handsome look of the current G-Class, get one now. I see the handwriting on the wall. The last ones that come in will command a premium, and people will be paying a premium for a while for used ones when they're no longer available.
Why Presidents Salute
The salute is an important gesture to members of the military. Civilians don't have the privilege of saluting. Prisoners in military prisons lose that privilege. Saluting is a privilege given to soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines. Returning a salute is an honor. Both are a sign of respect.
Presidents didn't salute when saluted by the military. They were, after all, civilians. They wore suits, not uniforms.
Then Ronald Reagan became President, and at the inauguration he said, "I want to salute. Can I do that?"
His aide, Marine Major John Kline, told him, no, that he was to put his hand over his heart for flag raisings. Even Dwight Eisenhower hadn't saluted, and he sure knew how to salute.
President Reagan accepted this and followed protocol. Then one day he was in USMC Headquarters at 8th and I, talking to General Barrow, commander of the Military District of Washington. He told General Barrow he would like to salute the troops. "Well, Mr. President, you're the commander in chief. If you want to salute, you should. The troops would really appreciate it."
President Reagan turned and smiled to his chagrined aide, and from then on he returned salutes when saluted. He did more than that. When he spoke at graduation at the Air Force Academy, he told the commandant he would like to be the first to salute these new lieutenants. The commander told him that would take an hour or two. "That doesn't matter," he said. Someday, he related, he would have to send men into combat, and he didn't want to think of them as just faceless numbers. He wanted to know them as people. So after graduation each new second lieutenant, USAF, walked up to the President of the United States, and the President saluted them. Some had tears in their eyes. Women graduates hugged the President.
Now Presidents return military salutes. Some do it better than others.
Related by Rep. John Kline, (COL, USMC Retired) on
Fox News, 6/11/04
Miscellaneous Ravings
The Redhead's Margarita Recipe
On good days The Redhead meets me with two of these when I return after a hard day slaying dragons. (What she drinks then I still don't know.)
2 oz. José Quervo Gold or other premium Tequila
1 oz. Grand Marnier
3 oz. Orange Juice
6 oz. Sweet & Sour mix
Add ice for on the rocks, or blend with ice for frozen. Salt rim to taste, add Lime wedge to rim.
Serves 2 in theory
Repeat as necessary.
Letter
The Lexus LS430 is clearly styled after the S class. It's ridiculously close. They even lay out their badging on the back to look the same from a distance. MB should be flattered... (Sure, imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism CRR.)
The MB E320 beat out the new BMW 530i in the latest Road and Track Comparison. They actually strongly preferred the way the Mercedes drove... And from a strictly performance perspective, they published back-to-back road tests a few months ago that suggest that a new Acura TL outperforms the BMW for a lot less (and has comparable safety features, and is devoid of the annoying I-drive, and is nice looking).
Michael O'Connor MD
Another Letter
I love your comparison tests. About the only thing the LS430 really has going for it is assembly quality; the panel gaps are very very good. The materials, however, leave a lot to be desired - I think you got the right description of the wood. The LS styling is a conglomerate copy of the previous S-class and the previous E-class; for 2004 they added faux-AMG 5 spoke wheels to complete the copy. And once you've used a Mercedes seat for any length of time, the 20-minute-test-drive-comfortable Lexus seats feel like an understuffed sofa. Also, go sit in a 3 year old Mercedes seat and sit in a 3 year old Lexus seat, and while doing that look around at the rest of the cabin, then tell me whose materials are better and have held up to the abuse that a car sees. Better yet, do that same test with 10 year old cars.
And, what always seals the deal for me - imagine that you are going to be in a terrible crash - like the one in "Human Crash Test Dummies" later in the (June 2004) newsletter. I'm a lawyer and I look at a variety of crash photos on a regular basis; my guess is that driving on public roads is the most dangerous thing most of us do daily. Which car do you want to be in on the day of your crash? Imagine that a dump truck driver runs a red light and hits you from the side - and your kids are in the rear seats. No rear side airbags in the new LS. Come on - our previous generation E class has those.
As for the new 5-series, well, with apologies to the dean from Animal House: "Ugly and complicated is no way to go through life, son." Honestly, the new Hyundai sedan's interior is nicer; the cost cutting at BMW has become ridiculous. Compare the current but about to be replaced 3 series BMW interior to the new 5 series; the much older and cheaper 3 series is nicer. iDrive - yeah, that's what you want when you are driving - controls that are actively distracting.
Mike Collum
Safety Letter
Just wanted to say "thanks" for June issue of your online newsletter.
As always, you produce interesting content and commentary.
I especially liked your testimonial (and photo) from the C320 sedan owners. Safety was our primary concern when we purchased our two MB (2001 E320 4matic wagon, and a 2002 C320 sedan). With two children entering the driving world in the next few years, it is reassuring to know I've provided the safest possible vehicles for them to practice their driving skills. I think other car manufacturers compete on the "gadgets", but Mercedes is "head of the class" for safety. Mercedes should really highlight this brand strength in advertising.
Dan Cummer
Yet Another Letter
Greetings from Massachusetts. I'm the computer consultant who wrote to you, describing the accident with my Mercury Grand Marquis. I had implemented your technique of leaving space in front of my car when ever I found myself stopped. This space allowed me to minimize the damage when a distracted driver clocked me from behind at a busy intersection.
Well, I'm happy to report that your newsletter probably saved me again. I happened to be perusing the April issue, and came across the piece about garnering practice changing tires before the need actually arose. My Grand Marquis has 210,000 miles on the odometer, and I'd never had a flat tire in the entire time that I've owned her. My spare was in great shape because I regularly checked the inflation pressure when I checked the four, mounted tires, but I never went beyond checking the actual tire. I had confidence in my mechanical abilities, and assumed that I could change the tire when the need arose.
In spite of these assumptions, your suggestions did make imminent sense, so the next sunny weekend, I made arrangements to try changing a tire. As expected, the spare was fine. The jack however was another story. Ford (in its infinite wisdom) had mounted the jack inside of the rear fender. Eight years of road salt and water had rusted the mounting stud into oblivion. I couldn't budge the jack if my life depended on it.
Thanks to your newsletter, I discovered this problem in the safety and comfort of my driveway instead of in a darkened parking lot in a bad neighborhood in Boston. Keep up the good work on the newsletter. It's nice to be reminded that there ARE some professional, honest people in the world (and I'm not just talking about car dealers here).
Chris Shustak
Reagan Quotes
"Freedom is never more than one generation from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book!
"We will never disarm any American who seeks to protect his or her family from fear and harm.
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. Marines don't have that problem.
"There is no limit to what a man can accomplish if he doesn't care who gets the credit." -- Sign on President Reagan's desk
"We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry each night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet."
"I wasn't a great communicator, but I communicated great things, and they didn't spring full bloom from my brow, they came from the heart of a great nation - from our experience, our wisdom and our belief in principles that have guided us for two centuries."
(One last toast to the man who won the cold war. I pray that in the next war we have a leader who says what he means and means what he says, who ignores his critics and knows right from wrong. But wait, we're in that war already, and he's in the White House. Imagine where we would be if Reagan had never become President. Imagine if Jimmy Carter had another years destroying the economy and the military, that George McGovern had been President when Iraq invaded Kuwait and then Saudi Arabia, with the backing of the Soviet Union that didn't collapse because there was no U S military build up in the 80s. Imagine Communist puppet governments from Mexico to Chile, and in most of Africa. Imagine Al Gore in the White House when Al Queda attacked. No, don't. That's too evil a picture to paint. Those things didn't happen because of Ronald Reagan.)
Anne Coulter Quote of the Month:
"Forget Alzheimer's - do you know how much middle-aged men would pay for a GENUINE baldness cure? Then again, Porsche sales would probably fall off quite a bit if we ever cured baldness."
(Please direct complaints to anncoulter.com.)
Bear
Merlin
John Moses Browning
Kahlua
Andromeda, licensed, certified bitch detector
Emerald and Arthur Pendragon
23 Years with The Zoo
I know people who live without pets, but I don't know how. I've had them all of my life. All have been important. Some have been more important than others. A mongrel dog I rescued in Vietnam saved my life a few days later. Others have saved my sanity.
When I returned home from Vietnam I was presented with a pair of shaded silver Persians that had both needed homes. The male, Ishmael, had the misfortune to belong to a man who got married. The new wife said, "either the cat goes, or I go." He chose poorly. The female, Abigail, had found herself pregnant with 5 alley kittens after a night on the town she would never talk about (What happens in the alley stays in the alley.) Her owners were cat puritans and sent her out in the snow (Texas in the summer). They both had long, happy lives.
As mentioned in the lead article, my cat Andromeda picked The Redhead. Actually, what she did was eliminate the competition. I thought she ran from every female until I found her in The Redhead's lap purring and kneading. Then I realized she was telling me something about the others and about The Redhead.
She stayed with us for 16 years, a wonderful cat. Shortly after The Redhead and I were married I sent her to the Cat Show to get another Shaded Silver to be a companion to Andromeda. (Little did we know that Andromeda didn't want a companion. Note: female cats like being the only cat in the house.) She came back with a Himalayan female, Kahlua. "She picked me. Ah, there weren't any shaded silvers. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.") Kahlua was her cat for the next 14 years. Both were loving, friendly cats with few vices.
Then The Redhead surprised me with a birthday present, John Moses Browning, a Miniature Pinscher. He weighed 2 lb., 2 oz. when he came home. That was nearly 16 years ago. He's still with us, but age is catching up. He is on a heart medication and is under treatment for a degenerative spinal disease. Most of the time he's spry, though. He retired from watchdog duties, however, letting me know that the alarm would have to do the job. Sometimes he's hard to wake up altogether. He came out of retirement to harass the deck builders when we put a deck in the back yard recently. When we're up and around, he's The Redhead's puppy, but he sleeps in the middle of my side of the bed, leaving me to slip in on the edge or on The Redhead's side.
He doesn't like male dogs and has attacked several over the years, Dobermans, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, Labs. The Redhead tells of walking him one night and having to contend with him hanging by the teeth from the ear of a (surprised) big dog. He's still with us and none ever laid a glove on him, but I do keep him on a short leash when he gets territorial now. He loves children - with a little picante sauce.
We're spending extra time with Browning now, and we take him with us whenever we can on vacation. At his age any day he is healthy and happy is a good one. The Redhead is an excellent pet nurse, having much experience now with Andromeda's last two years with a spinal disease, Kahlua's diabetes, and Merlin's myriad problems. I've gotten to where I can give pills to any cat other than Bear, who almost always bested me. Giving pills to Browning was made easier by the invention of cheese.
When Andromeda left us after a long, happy life we searched for another Shaded Silver Persian female, Emerald. Emerald is a loving cat with a purr that can be felt but not heard. She will do a lot for Pounce cat treats and generally sleeps on the foot of the bed on my side. She sticks her tongue out at the world often. The vet says it's because she has a big tongue, but I think it's a statement. She will slap me on the cheek or stand on my solar plexus for Pounce.
We picked up Theodore Roosevelt Bear at a Cat Show, too. Bear was probably the best cat ever, beautiful, loving, fun loving, affectionate. He would also lick my nose on request, sometimes until the skin was gone. He left us last year after only six years, and we still haven't recovered. A year after we got Bear we picked up Merlin at the same Cat Show from the same breeder. He was a mess with several health problems. But he would sit on my chest and purr and knead for as long as I could sit there. Shortly after Bear's death, he died of the same congenital disease. We miss them both terribly.
After mourning and a long, careful search, we got Arthur Pendragon, a perfect male Shaded Silver Persian from a breeder with very healthy cats. His father was 9 years old when Artie was born. Since he sat in The Redhead's lap the 300 mile drive home, he's her kitty, and he only tolerates me most of the time. But at 0400 in the bathroom he will lie in my lap on his back and purr softly for several minutes before reminding me that he's only doing that so I'll feed him. He has all of the cutes of a male Shaded Silver Persian and displays them often.
I agree with the man who said if there aren't pets in
Heaven, I don't want to go.
Curt Rich July 2004
Things That Didn't Fit in the Snail-Mail Version:
If you're really tired, any old place will do for a nap
A liberal at the liberal Slate.com website reviews "Farenheit 9/11"
There's Michael Moore, who has said he hopes more Americans will die in Iraq. His movie, "Fahrenheit 7/11" as we call it, apparently supports the Times' view that life in Iraq was better, sunnier, happier under Saddam Hussein. Moore has also accused the American people of being the stupidest, most naive people on the face of the Earth. And after last weekend, he's got the box office numbers to prove it!
Ann Coulter
Complaint:
Re: "Last week, John S. Carroll, editor of the Los Angeles Times, delivered a lecture during 'Ethics Week' of the Society of Professional Journalists. The speaker has not yet been announced for 'Abstinence Week' of the Society of Professional Whores." (Ann Coulter)
Hey, man, ease up a little on your fellow journalists, OK? Every barrel has a few bad apples, even the one containing car salesmen!
Frank (my cat can beat up your cat) Barrett, The Star
Yeah, it's the bad 95% of journalists that make the rest of us look bad. :)